March 8, 2008

One of the things I like about living in Ohio is the seasons. I've thought about moving out to the west coast, but I think I would really miss the changing landscape. I look at the 4 seasons as a life cycle. Spring is the birth; everything is new and fresh and bright. I find myself full of hope and ready to take on the world in this season. Summer is the maturing time; everything is born and stark and waiting for you to create it. The world is my canvas and I find myself full of ideas and accomplishments in this season. Fall is the golden time; everything is changing and turning and beautiful. I find I am in awe of nature and the process that every living plant and animal go through in preparation during this season. It makes me take stock and become aware of the most basics things that need to be done in my life. Winter is hiatus time; everything has paused and is covered with snow, like a blanket keeping it warm while it sleeps. I find myself spending more time with my kids and reflecting on the past year's endeavors. I bond more with my family and try to figure out what needs to be adjusted to stay on my path.

That being said, it is March 8Th and there will be approximately a foot of snow outside my door by the time it is finished this afternoon! Ohio is known for its weird weather, but I can't remember us ever being under a blizzard warning in March before. I am so ready for the "birth" to begin!

This is also tax season, and it is my busiest time of year on the work front. It's a good thing for me because it offers me an opportunity to make extra money that I desperately need. I can make it during the year as long as nothing too big or expensive comes up. The extra money during tax season is dedicated for the sole purpose of pampering us. My daughter graduated in June, but with the extra cost of her senior package, senior pictures, and grad party I wasn't able to get her the graduation present I wanted. So, the first thing I did was buy her a new laptop for graduation. Finally! I have felt so guilty about it. My son turned 16 last June, but still does not have his license. We got his temps when he turned 15 1/2 in December 2006! We had to get them again this past December. For some reason it has been impossible for me to come up with the $ 420.00 for his driving classes. My daughter's birthday is in January (during tax season) so she got to take her classes right away. I feel bad for making him wait almost a year, but he is now signed up. Being a single mom is hard and I have learned to try not to beat myself up over these types of things.

School has been fun and difficult for me so far this quarter. I have struggled with the medium and gotten frustrated on so many occasions. I am dealing with ink. Drawing with the pen nibs and quill hasn't been too bad. The problem is once you have laid the ink on the paper there is no taking it back. So when I make a mistake I have to somehow incorporate it into the drawing. This irritates me because I am a detail retard when it comes to my drawings. I have had to loosen up a bit with the perfection aspect, and that has been a fight within me. To add to the frustration, we are also using ink washes. You mix one or more drops of ink with water and wash it over your drawing. The more ink used the darker the wash. This, along with the different pen nibs, helps to create tone, texture, and shadow in the drawings. But when you are mixing a liquid with a liquid it is very transparent. So, you need to layer the wash to try to achieve the right "color." If you have ever used watercolors you know as soon as you brush it on, there is a mark. When you dip your brush again and put it next to the first one, you always end up with a brushstroke mark on the page. These are ugly! I don't like brushstrokes. Yet, I have to somehow incorporate them in to my drawings also and make it look like it wasn't done by a 5 year old. My professor keeps telling me to "embrace the wash." She is so lucky I haven't dumped the shit on her head yet! I am working on my final project right now. After that I have to put together my final portfolio. When I get it all finished I will post pictures like I did last quarter. Be aware these are not as good as the charcoal, and they show my struggles.

As far as the last post goes, what coffeepot said really resonated with me. If he wanted to call me he would. It was that simple. The whys of it all didn't really matter. The fact was he hadn't. But, just as I knew he would, he did end up calling. Three weeks ago. At three o'clock in the morning. He had an excuse, as always. Things really are going to shit for him. Just like we all knew they would. But, he blamed it all on other people or circumstances. He took no credit for his or her mistakes and bad choices. I had no sympathy for him at all. I listened to his whining for almost an hour before I couldn't take any more. By the time I finished telling him how immature and selfish he sounded, it wasn't hard to transition in to the "it's over" talk. All in all we talked for about an hour and a half. He was extremely pissed and "hurt." The whole thing has just left me in a bad mood. I haven't really processed it all yet. I'm not depressed over it. I don't really know how to explain what I feel. He was a real ass when we hung up. The last thing he said was, "I will talk to you sometime in the future." WTF? I just told him I was done! I should have known it wasn't going to be that easy. So, after all is said and done, I still have that fucking feeling of "waiting." This is one roller coaster ride I want off of.