April 29, 2008

I took L to her first pre natal appointment today. Today is also the 2-year anniversary of mom's death. Ironic?

April 25, 2008

I came home a few weeks ago from my first class of this quarter. L was sitting in the living room waiting for me. I could tell by the look on her face this wasn't going to be good. I put my school stuff down and went over and sat next to her on the couch. I looked at her and just said, "What?" She said, "I'm pregnant."

I've been trying to process this. It's a little overwhelming. I'm not ready to blog about it yet.

March 8, 2008

One of the things I like about living in Ohio is the seasons. I've thought about moving out to the west coast, but I think I would really miss the changing landscape. I look at the 4 seasons as a life cycle. Spring is the birth; everything is new and fresh and bright. I find myself full of hope and ready to take on the world in this season. Summer is the maturing time; everything is born and stark and waiting for you to create it. The world is my canvas and I find myself full of ideas and accomplishments in this season. Fall is the golden time; everything is changing and turning and beautiful. I find I am in awe of nature and the process that every living plant and animal go through in preparation during this season. It makes me take stock and become aware of the most basics things that need to be done in my life. Winter is hiatus time; everything has paused and is covered with snow, like a blanket keeping it warm while it sleeps. I find myself spending more time with my kids and reflecting on the past year's endeavors. I bond more with my family and try to figure out what needs to be adjusted to stay on my path.

That being said, it is March 8Th and there will be approximately a foot of snow outside my door by the time it is finished this afternoon! Ohio is known for its weird weather, but I can't remember us ever being under a blizzard warning in March before. I am so ready for the "birth" to begin!

This is also tax season, and it is my busiest time of year on the work front. It's a good thing for me because it offers me an opportunity to make extra money that I desperately need. I can make it during the year as long as nothing too big or expensive comes up. The extra money during tax season is dedicated for the sole purpose of pampering us. My daughter graduated in June, but with the extra cost of her senior package, senior pictures, and grad party I wasn't able to get her the graduation present I wanted. So, the first thing I did was buy her a new laptop for graduation. Finally! I have felt so guilty about it. My son turned 16 last June, but still does not have his license. We got his temps when he turned 15 1/2 in December 2006! We had to get them again this past December. For some reason it has been impossible for me to come up with the $ 420.00 for his driving classes. My daughter's birthday is in January (during tax season) so she got to take her classes right away. I feel bad for making him wait almost a year, but he is now signed up. Being a single mom is hard and I have learned to try not to beat myself up over these types of things.

School has been fun and difficult for me so far this quarter. I have struggled with the medium and gotten frustrated on so many occasions. I am dealing with ink. Drawing with the pen nibs and quill hasn't been too bad. The problem is once you have laid the ink on the paper there is no taking it back. So when I make a mistake I have to somehow incorporate it into the drawing. This irritates me because I am a detail retard when it comes to my drawings. I have had to loosen up a bit with the perfection aspect, and that has been a fight within me. To add to the frustration, we are also using ink washes. You mix one or more drops of ink with water and wash it over your drawing. The more ink used the darker the wash. This, along with the different pen nibs, helps to create tone, texture, and shadow in the drawings. But when you are mixing a liquid with a liquid it is very transparent. So, you need to layer the wash to try to achieve the right "color." If you have ever used watercolors you know as soon as you brush it on, there is a mark. When you dip your brush again and put it next to the first one, you always end up with a brushstroke mark on the page. These are ugly! I don't like brushstrokes. Yet, I have to somehow incorporate them in to my drawings also and make it look like it wasn't done by a 5 year old. My professor keeps telling me to "embrace the wash." She is so lucky I haven't dumped the shit on her head yet! I am working on my final project right now. After that I have to put together my final portfolio. When I get it all finished I will post pictures like I did last quarter. Be aware these are not as good as the charcoal, and they show my struggles.

As far as the last post goes, what coffeepot said really resonated with me. If he wanted to call me he would. It was that simple. The whys of it all didn't really matter. The fact was he hadn't. But, just as I knew he would, he did end up calling. Three weeks ago. At three o'clock in the morning. He had an excuse, as always. Things really are going to shit for him. Just like we all knew they would. But, he blamed it all on other people or circumstances. He took no credit for his or her mistakes and bad choices. I had no sympathy for him at all. I listened to his whining for almost an hour before I couldn't take any more. By the time I finished telling him how immature and selfish he sounded, it wasn't hard to transition in to the "it's over" talk. All in all we talked for about an hour and a half. He was extremely pissed and "hurt." The whole thing has just left me in a bad mood. I haven't really processed it all yet. I'm not depressed over it. I don't really know how to explain what I feel. He was a real ass when we hung up. The last thing he said was, "I will talk to you sometime in the future." WTF? I just told him I was done! I should have known it wasn't going to be that easy. So, after all is said and done, I still have that fucking feeling of "waiting." This is one roller coaster ride I want off of.

February 2, 2008

I haven't written in here for a while. There has been a lot going on the last 2 months and I was trying to avoid a downer post. I gave up on that idea and thought maybe if I write it all out, I'll get over it!

On December 11 they admitted my best friend's mom to Hospice. She was having difficulty breathing. She has had numerous health problems and had even had bypass surgery about 15 years ago. She got to the point over the summer where she needed to be on oxygen. She had been feeling OK but had developed a cold and was having problems breathing. They admitted her to get her breathing under control. They said not to panic. Most people go to Hospice to die with dignity, but they assured the family that they were just trying to get her breathing better and she would be back home in a couple days. On January 22, after 6 weeks of laying in Hospice, struggling to breath, she passed away.

When she had been in there 4 days, everyone including her, was asking where I was at. I hadn't went to visit her. They had said she would be in there a couple of days and I was hoping to wait until she got home to go see her. By this time, however, it became apparent to all she was not going to leave this place. So, I broke down and went. On the way there I had to pull over. I think I experienced my first panic attack. I was crying, shaking uncontrollably, hyperventilating, and having chest pains. This person has been my closest and dearest friend for the last 25+ years. His mom has been like a mother to me and my kids even call her grandma. She was at my father's funeral, my wedding, the birth of both of my kids, birthdays, christmas, my grandma's funeral, my mom's funeral. All of the major, and even some of the minor, events in my life over the last 25 years. My friend has 6 brothers and sisters. I knew they were all going to be there. Looking to me for comfort and support. The whole way there I kept thinking what I was going to say to them all. This was my BEST friend and him and his family had been there for me. I had to be there for them. I honestly would have rather shot my foot off then go in that place.

As I drove, I thought of and discarded all of the usual things one says in such a situation. Most of them are basically bullshit. This was my best friend and he deserved more from me than just going in there and blowing smoke up his ass. He also lost his father at a young age and has had only his mother for the last 32 years. I knew how he was feeling. I also knew every emotion he is going to go through. I was not going to walk in there and tell him everything would be OK. The sad fact is that it won't. Nothing will ever be OK again. This will change his life. It will be something he feels, something that has been ripped from him, every single day from now on. His life will seriously never be the same again. There was no way I could walk in there and tell him that. He knows what I have went through. He knew how hard it was for me to go there. In the end, I walked in that room with all tears gone from my face and voice. I hugged each and every one of them. I told them all I loved them. I talked to and held his mom's hand. And I went back. Almost daily for 6 weeks. I never did find the right words to say to any of them. I didn't try. Maybe there are no words. I decided to just be there. To let my presence and love be shown. Even that was difficult for me. I am so sick and tired of watching people die. It is a horrible thing to go through. Once. I have now been through it 5 times. It seriously made me physically ill this time.

I almost lost it at the funeral. It was heartbreaking. As he stood up there, I saw him and just started crying. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and shield him from all of the pain I know is coming. All of the desperation and loneliness and longing he is going to feel that will never go away. It is going to become a part of his daily routine. There is always going to be something that is off, something that doesn't feel right. It is a horrid feeling and I wish with all my heart he didn't have to go through it. I am going to try to do what I can for him. I'm going to be here, of course, but I'm going to try to help him somehow. I don't know what my boundaries are. This has been difficult for me. Trying to be there for him and help sooth his pain, while at the same time, still in so much pain myself. We will just have to take it one day at a time and do our best to deal.

As if all of this wasn't enough, I broke down on another front too. Whenever thoughts of my mom come flooding back in, I want kindred spirit. I know. You're thinking,"My God she is a fucking idiot." I can't help it. He was there for me when all of the stuff with mom went down. Every single day he was there. I am not going to go so far as to say I couldn't have got through it without him, but I will say he is the main thing that got me through it all. He knows me. Really knows me. He was always there. With a shoulder, or a kiss, or a joke, or just quietly holding me. He knew the right thing to do at the right times, and I will always love him for that. When I feel myself being pulled back in to that nightmare I want him. To be there. To make it all go away. Since his marraige I have not been with him. I have talked to him. We decided to stay in touch and see how it went. He hasn't crossed the line with me one time. Once a month or so he calls. We catch up. Nothing deep and meaning, just what has been going on in eachother's lives. Maybe not the best idea in the world, but it works for me. Neither of us have been willing to cut the cord. I broke down and text him. It had been 5 weeks since I had talked to him, and 4 weeks of me going to Hospice. I was emotionally drained. I was physically sick. So, I did something I haven't done since before his wedding. I reached out to him. It wasn't a big deal text. I didn't say what I was feeling at the time or anything. Just something along the lines of how long it had been since we talked. A joke really. I tend to make smart ass comments instead of being emotional a lot of the times. Anyway, he never responded. I know I'm not "supposed" to text him or call him. I broke the rule. I didn't care at the time nor do I care now. I needed him. Only this time he wasn't there. Not only did he not text me back, he hasn't called me either. It has been 2 months since I have talked to him. We have never went this long before. I had been doing OK with the whole situation. I had stopped thinking about him constantly. Stopped feeling the ache in my heart all the time. Oh I still missed him and it would hit me at different times. But, not every day, all day long like before. Until 3 weeks ago when I broke down and went there. I am so mad at myself. I really had felt that the worst was over and I was on an uphill side of it all. Now I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Why he is not talking to me anymore. What has changed? Don't get me wrong. I know it is probably the best thing that could happen in this situation, but I want to know why. It is an annoying habit I have. Needing to know the reason for everything. I drive myself and others nuts with it. I always have. I also know there could be numerous reasons for it. I'm not sure I really care what the reason is as far as making a difference in anything. He has came to his point and that's fine. I want to know what got him to that point. One more conversation to say goodbye. I'm big on closure also. I think it is important in order to move on. Lord knows I am past ready to move on. The way this whole thing has went it would not suprise me if he just stops calling me. He has said he would never do that. He has said a lot though. I have been throwing around the idea of calling him. Telling him goodbye. Once again, I'm not sure if I should. One part of me says just leave it, but the other part of me, the part that knows me, knows I will never be able to just leave it. So, do I call him and end it on my terms, or do I wait for him to call me?

January 16, 2008

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

January 7, 2008

Classes start back up today, so unfortunately, I will be in class tonight when the game starts. I will, however, be wearing my lucky OSU jersey! Good Luck guys!

December 31, 2007

As many of you are doing, I have been spending this past week reflecting on the year that is almost over. I don't make resolutions. I do, however, try to recognise my mistakes and learn from them. I will be spending New Year's Eve as I always do. With my children, my sister and her kids, and my best friends. I love that my children are 18 and 16 yet they still want to be with me when the ball drops! They truly are the greatest blessings.

I must admit I am glad 2007 is finally over. It was the first year I spent without most of my family. As I look back most of it is kinda hazy. I did nothing monumental except get through it. I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and that God will not give me more than I can handle. Until he took my mom. He and I have had some problems since then. I honestly felt like he had made a mistake. It couldn't have been her time because I still really, really needed her every single day. I didn't think I would make it without her. Once again, he proved he was right and I was wrong. I did make it through, it just really sucked.

When I was 8 my paternal grandpa died. He lived in KY and I saw him maybe once a year. He was buried on his 94Th birthday. It was my first experience with death. I hate to say it didn't phase me much. I was young and he was old and I wasn't close to him at all. The next year, his wife died. It wasn't my paternal grandma, she had died years before I was born, it was his 3rd wife. All I remember about her is that the left side of her face was twice the size of her right. She had some type of cancer and it was like that from the first time I met her. Once again, I was not affected much at all. My first big blow came at the age of 13. My maternal grandpa died. He was the best! After he had a second stroke they found cancer. It was in his brain. They moved him from the hospital to a nursing home. The poor man lay there for almost 4 months. My parents were divorced by this time and my mother would work during most days and then we would go spend the evenings at the nursing home. We watched the cancer slowly eat at his body. His brain went long before his body gave up. When he died my family was ready. He had suffered so much and we had had our time to prepare and say goodbye. It was still heartbreaking for me. It took a while for me to understand the concept of death. Of never seeing the person again and what that meant to me.

On October 26, 1987 my whole life changed. I can honestly say I have never been the same since. I was talking to my dad on the phone, making plans for later that evening. I realized it was 4:30 and time for me to leave work. I told him I was going home, fixing dinner, and then I would be over. As soon as I walked in my door, at 4:50, my phone rang. My dad had a heart attack and I needed to get to the hospital. Turns out the paramedics had never been able to revive him and he was DOA. My rock, my security, the person who loved me best and unconditionally, was gone forever.

Since then, I have suffered through many, many deaths. All four of my dad's brothers have passed away. All four of my mom's brothers have passed away. Neither of them had any sisters. My 3-year old great nephew died in a house fire. My nephew committed suicide. Various cousins and friends. Then, my beloved grandma passed away. Two years later, my mom. My once huge family has now been reduced to a handful.

As I look to 2008 and think of the things I want for my life I keep bumping into the same roadblock. For me to deal with all of the loss, the nasty ass divorce I went through, the pain and loneliness, I have shut large parts of myself off. Any one who was in my heart up until the time my mom died is good. No one has came close since. I think that is why I clung to kindred spirit so much. But, I still haven't caved on that one and every day that goes by makes it that much easier. I'm afraid it is going to be easier to get someone out of my heart than it will be to let someone in. In order to start a new relationship, even a friendship, I will need to do that. But, how do I do it without all the pain flooding back in? Where do I start? I don't think I would be able to handle it. These are my questions for 2008. My issues to work through. I'm afraid this safe little box I have made for myself is where I will stay.

I hope every single one of you has a great New Year!! Stay safe.