February 2, 2008

I haven't written in here for a while. There has been a lot going on the last 2 months and I was trying to avoid a downer post. I gave up on that idea and thought maybe if I write it all out, I'll get over it!

On December 11 they admitted my best friend's mom to Hospice. She was having difficulty breathing. She has had numerous health problems and had even had bypass surgery about 15 years ago. She got to the point over the summer where she needed to be on oxygen. She had been feeling OK but had developed a cold and was having problems breathing. They admitted her to get her breathing under control. They said not to panic. Most people go to Hospice to die with dignity, but they assured the family that they were just trying to get her breathing better and she would be back home in a couple days. On January 22, after 6 weeks of laying in Hospice, struggling to breath, she passed away.

When she had been in there 4 days, everyone including her, was asking where I was at. I hadn't went to visit her. They had said she would be in there a couple of days and I was hoping to wait until she got home to go see her. By this time, however, it became apparent to all she was not going to leave this place. So, I broke down and went. On the way there I had to pull over. I think I experienced my first panic attack. I was crying, shaking uncontrollably, hyperventilating, and having chest pains. This person has been my closest and dearest friend for the last 25+ years. His mom has been like a mother to me and my kids even call her grandma. She was at my father's funeral, my wedding, the birth of both of my kids, birthdays, christmas, my grandma's funeral, my mom's funeral. All of the major, and even some of the minor, events in my life over the last 25 years. My friend has 6 brothers and sisters. I knew they were all going to be there. Looking to me for comfort and support. The whole way there I kept thinking what I was going to say to them all. This was my BEST friend and him and his family had been there for me. I had to be there for them. I honestly would have rather shot my foot off then go in that place.

As I drove, I thought of and discarded all of the usual things one says in such a situation. Most of them are basically bullshit. This was my best friend and he deserved more from me than just going in there and blowing smoke up his ass. He also lost his father at a young age and has had only his mother for the last 32 years. I knew how he was feeling. I also knew every emotion he is going to go through. I was not going to walk in there and tell him everything would be OK. The sad fact is that it won't. Nothing will ever be OK again. This will change his life. It will be something he feels, something that has been ripped from him, every single day from now on. His life will seriously never be the same again. There was no way I could walk in there and tell him that. He knows what I have went through. He knew how hard it was for me to go there. In the end, I walked in that room with all tears gone from my face and voice. I hugged each and every one of them. I told them all I loved them. I talked to and held his mom's hand. And I went back. Almost daily for 6 weeks. I never did find the right words to say to any of them. I didn't try. Maybe there are no words. I decided to just be there. To let my presence and love be shown. Even that was difficult for me. I am so sick and tired of watching people die. It is a horrible thing to go through. Once. I have now been through it 5 times. It seriously made me physically ill this time.

I almost lost it at the funeral. It was heartbreaking. As he stood up there, I saw him and just started crying. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and shield him from all of the pain I know is coming. All of the desperation and loneliness and longing he is going to feel that will never go away. It is going to become a part of his daily routine. There is always going to be something that is off, something that doesn't feel right. It is a horrid feeling and I wish with all my heart he didn't have to go through it. I am going to try to do what I can for him. I'm going to be here, of course, but I'm going to try to help him somehow. I don't know what my boundaries are. This has been difficult for me. Trying to be there for him and help sooth his pain, while at the same time, still in so much pain myself. We will just have to take it one day at a time and do our best to deal.

As if all of this wasn't enough, I broke down on another front too. Whenever thoughts of my mom come flooding back in, I want kindred spirit. I know. You're thinking,"My God she is a fucking idiot." I can't help it. He was there for me when all of the stuff with mom went down. Every single day he was there. I am not going to go so far as to say I couldn't have got through it without him, but I will say he is the main thing that got me through it all. He knows me. Really knows me. He was always there. With a shoulder, or a kiss, or a joke, or just quietly holding me. He knew the right thing to do at the right times, and I will always love him for that. When I feel myself being pulled back in to that nightmare I want him. To be there. To make it all go away. Since his marraige I have not been with him. I have talked to him. We decided to stay in touch and see how it went. He hasn't crossed the line with me one time. Once a month or so he calls. We catch up. Nothing deep and meaning, just what has been going on in eachother's lives. Maybe not the best idea in the world, but it works for me. Neither of us have been willing to cut the cord. I broke down and text him. It had been 5 weeks since I had talked to him, and 4 weeks of me going to Hospice. I was emotionally drained. I was physically sick. So, I did something I haven't done since before his wedding. I reached out to him. It wasn't a big deal text. I didn't say what I was feeling at the time or anything. Just something along the lines of how long it had been since we talked. A joke really. I tend to make smart ass comments instead of being emotional a lot of the times. Anyway, he never responded. I know I'm not "supposed" to text him or call him. I broke the rule. I didn't care at the time nor do I care now. I needed him. Only this time he wasn't there. Not only did he not text me back, he hasn't called me either. It has been 2 months since I have talked to him. We have never went this long before. I had been doing OK with the whole situation. I had stopped thinking about him constantly. Stopped feeling the ache in my heart all the time. Oh I still missed him and it would hit me at different times. But, not every day, all day long like before. Until 3 weeks ago when I broke down and went there. I am so mad at myself. I really had felt that the worst was over and I was on an uphill side of it all. Now I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Why he is not talking to me anymore. What has changed? Don't get me wrong. I know it is probably the best thing that could happen in this situation, but I want to know why. It is an annoying habit I have. Needing to know the reason for everything. I drive myself and others nuts with it. I always have. I also know there could be numerous reasons for it. I'm not sure I really care what the reason is as far as making a difference in anything. He has came to his point and that's fine. I want to know what got him to that point. One more conversation to say goodbye. I'm big on closure also. I think it is important in order to move on. Lord knows I am past ready to move on. The way this whole thing has went it would not suprise me if he just stops calling me. He has said he would never do that. He has said a lot though. I have been throwing around the idea of calling him. Telling him goodbye. Once again, I'm not sure if I should. One part of me says just leave it, but the other part of me, the part that knows me, knows I will never be able to just leave it. So, do I call him and end it on my terms, or do I wait for him to call me?