August 20, 2007

While looking at my daughters Myspace profile this morning, I found something that really touched my heart. Thought I would share....


Heroes
my mother. she has shown me that u can go through so much and still have to keep a good head on your shoulders and keep your prioritys straight. she raised me and my brother all on her own and i know it was a struggle for her but she still did all she could for us. we had food on the table every night for dinner and still got to play our sports. she took up a second job just so we could do all the things we love because she loves us so much. i just hope one day i can be as good of a mother as she has been to me my whole life.

August 18, 2007

I struggled all day yesterday trying to make a decision. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a strong person and do what I knew was right. For me. Unfortunately, he has a way of making my resolutions go right out the window. So, basically, I had made a decision knowing there was room for negotiation. I hate hurting people. Even if it is just a hurt feeling that will go away in no time, it just seems like the wrong thing to do. I try not to. Last night, though, I was in self-preservation mode. If you think about it, asking to spend time with me the night before the wedding is not fair. It's bullshit actually. I realize I have been one of those people I had always detested, but that was asking alot from me I think. I have to be able to live with myself. On the one hand, the perfect goodbye. . . On the other hand, it's just sick! So, I decided I wasn't going to see him. I would talk to him on the phone when he called and try not to let him talk me in to going over there. There were many things I wanted to say to him. This would be the last time I could talk to him as "us". Everything will change, for me anyway, after the wedding. It was a very busy night around my house. Things going on with my kids and family. By the time I got my shower, settled in for the evening, and started wondering when he was going to call, it was after midnight. When I looked at the clock and noticed the time, it hit me right away. . . this isn't the night before the wedding any longer, this is his wedding day! No way was I going to spend time with him only hours before he married someone else. This made things much much easier. As much as I love this man, and believe me it is beyond my expression, there was not a chance in hell I was going to be with him on his wedding day. Once again, I went over what I wanted to say. I adjusted part of the conversation to deal with this new development and my now non-negotiable plans. I felt better because I was in control of myself now. I knew nothing he said could make me cave. I had been thinking about it all week. What I wanted and needed to say to him. I realized I had been unconsciously preparing myself for this exact night for the past year. I have known it was coming and I have been dreading it. We have purposely avoided talking about it because we both knew this night would come. Tonight. A time when it could not and would not be avoided any more. There were so many thoughts and feelings rushing around inside me. I was shaking just thinking about it. It was pretty overwhelming. I felt about half sick. When I woke up this morning my first thought was "I can't believe this." You see, I had fallen asleep waiting for him to call. He never did. I told you he is the master of avoidance. Once again he took control of what I was going to do and what I was going to say completely away from me. It's as if he has this sixth sense. Like he knows exactly when I am ready to just snap and say fuck it all. I never get to talk to him at these times. He will wait. And wait. And wait. Until I am missing him terribly. Then he will call. Apologize first thing about how he hasn't been able to call. He will make it a fast and funny conversation. Blowing back in like the wind. Always short and sweet with promises of a longer one in a few days. Then he will call again. By this time, I have gone through every emotion possible and am glad that I can just talk to him finally. And so it begins again....always....

As I write this, he is standing in a church with her, in front of friends and family, vowing to always love, honor, cherish, be faithful, and never leave. I am sitting here feeling this unbearable pain in my heart. . .

August 15, 2007

I love to draw. I always have. We first learned I had the ability in the first grade. My homework assignment was to draw our state bird. So I sat down with a picture and drew a cardinal. You could actually tell what it was when I was finished! My parents, of course, made me feel like I had just painted the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel. I drew from then on. From Elementary School through High School I took all the Art classes I could. Until my Junior year. I believe I received an incomplete that year. Boys, partying, and all the typical High School things took over that year! I still had a sketch pad and pencils around. For years they were a part of me. For some reason, after I got married, I quit. I've thought about it on and off through the years, watching my children grow, seeing a beautiful sun set, the look in a stranger's eyes, and I think to myself how awesome it would be if I still drew. While we were packing up the things in Mom's attic I found my portfolio and a couple canvases on which I had started some oil paintings. I threw out the half finished paintings and brought the portfolio home. Eventually the kids talked me in to going through it. We spent over an hour looking at the filled pages in sketch book after sketch book. The chalk drawings, the charcoals, the pen and ink. All of it. I had done a pen and ink drawing with a watercolor wash for my Mom which she had hung in her house for years, so my kids knew i could draw. They had just never seen anything besides that one before. I packed everything back in its place and put it away in my attic. But it started me thinking again. At the beginning of this year I went out and bought some new supplies. There have been so many things going through my head and it would be very therapeutic for me to get them out on paper. But could I still do it? I haven't even attempted to draw anything in at least 20 years! For some reason this has become a big deal to me now. I should have just opened up the pad and started moving a pencil around on it. But no, that would be too easy for me! So, instead, I have sat and stared at it for 7 months now, wondering, can I still do it? Will people freak when they see what's been going on in my head? The images I have? The darkness and the anger that has been just below the surface for more than a year now? I decided I am going to take a class at the local community college. I am sure I have forgotten more than I remember. I signed up for the Drawing I class tonight. I figure why not start at the beginning and see what's there.

On another note, kindred spirit has been calling alot. She's busy with the last minute details for their wedding and he has had much more free time. I feel sorry for him in a way because she had one of her episodes on his grandparents and said some disrespectful shit no one should ever say to an elder. His whole family is now against this marriage. It happened right before they moved in together and he has been at war with his family ever since. His mom has backed off because she is afraid she will never see him once they get married if she didn't. He has always been extremely close with his family. His mom has one sister and her and her sisters children are always at her parents house. Even now, when they are grown, they still meet at the grandparents house weekly. He goes to his mom's house at least 3 times a week to visit her and his sister. Their attitude about the wedding has slowly changed over the past year. I was hoping...well, alot of things, but mainly that they could all work it out. Unfortunately, it has only gotten worse. It is a touchy subject for us, but one which we broach if needed. He has talked about his family and particularly his mom. He hates fighting with her. He has been having nightmares again. Dreams in which bad things happen to his mom and her last thought is always "I wish my son didn't hate me." He has needed to talk. There is one important fact about kindred spirit that I have not mentioned. He is younger than I am. A good 8 years younger. We are at different stages in our lives. He has never been married and wants children. I am divorced and have the only 2 children I am going to have. I have never talked about our age difference because the only time it comes up is in talking about where we are at now and what we want in the future. It should help explain why things would never work out for us. Why we find ourselves in the position we are in. Anyway, he understands that I have a line that I absolutely will not cross. He says he will respect that. But, he wants to still keep in touch. Can he still call and catch up with me? Can we still be friends? Still turn to each other? I told him I wasn't sure about it and we would just have to see. I feel that if I still "keep in touch" with him it will just make things harder. For me. The saying goes from friends to lovers to strangers, not from friends to lovers to friends again. If, and that is a huge if, I decide to try to remain friends, the rules are changing. I will not keep it a secret. Mutual friend and everyone else who asks will know we talk. It will have to be a "normal" friendship. I just don't see that happening. I will deal with that when it comes up, for now, I have a more pressing decision to make. He asked if I would see him Friday night. It is the night before the wedding so he will be alone and it will be our last chance to be together and say goodbye. I seriously don't know if it will help or just make it hurt more.

August 10, 2007

God! Life sucks so bad sometimes. It had been a couple weeks since I last spent time or talked to kindred spirit. A long, long 2 weeks for me. He gets married next weekend. So much has been going through my mind. I have been an emotional roller coaster that never stops. He had some free time tonight and called. To catch you up .....they have moved into their new apartment. About six weeks ago. He no longer lives less than 10 minutes away. Plus, she is always there now. Her brother and his girlfriend live there too. So the time spent with him has been less than it was before the move. He's managed to call and also to see me a few times. A couple of weeks ago, when we were together, it was very emotional. He called first and asked could I meet him. I said yes. He then asked me did I love him. As I said in my previous posts, we haven't said those words since the fight last August. I told him yes I did and he asked me to say it. I was like what? Honestly I was a little confused. Of course I love him. Why else would I even remotely be doing what I am with him. He said he wanted to hear me say the words, so I told him I love you. He told me he loved me too. Asked if I missed him. I said yes, and he said he missed me too. The conversation went on like that for about 10 minutes and then we got off the phone and met. As I walked up to him he just grabbed me and started kissing me. The time we had, which was only about an hour and a half, was spent kissing, touching, looking in to each others eyes, and saying all the things we haven't said in a long long time. It was a very special night. I love being with him. It is so different than anyone I have ever been with. Since we started our relationship back up last October though, we have used our bodies and our eyes and touch, etc. to express the things we didn't dare say anymore. Until this time. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love this man. It took me a few days to come back down to earth after that night. Once I did though I realized his wedding was in 3 weeks. So, for the last 2 weeks I have been thinking about what that means. As bad as I hate it, marriage means alot to me.

I know that I love him. Alot. I really am in love with him. I honestly just want him to be happy. I want his marriage to work and them both to change and have a good life. I am fine with only talking to him every once in a while and catching up. I really am. I don't have to be with him if he can make a commitment and be the right kind of husband. Cheating while he has a girlfriend is one thing, but once he's married I can't do that. I feel like the marriage is a bomb waiting to explode and I don't want to be a part of the fireworks. I don't want to be a reason it doesn't work. I can't be a part of that. I owe him that. That's how much I love him. I want to be with him more than words can say, but I can't do it knowing it will take away from him. And that's what it would do. Whether he realizes it or not. It makes me cry every time I think about it because I want to be a part of him. More than anyone. It is the part of my life I like the most, the part I look forward to daily. It is so freeing, and raw, and just emotion. Honestly, I think he loves me just as much and in a better way than he loves her. We are honest with each other to a fault. We fight sometimes, but we always know where the other stands. It's not a normal relationship - we have no rules - so it's easy to be who you really are. He called tonight just to talk. To catch up on things and let me know he thinks about me all the time. I told him I think about him also, and in all honesty, probably too much. I asked him if he realizes he is getting married in a week and has he thought about what effect that is going to have on us. I told him that he is going to stand up there and say his vows and that moves this thing we have to a whole new level. I have been married and I know how hard it is. Even when you are in love with only your partner, even when you go in to it thinking "this is forever." Even when you try everything in your power to keep it together. It changes things. It changes the whole dynamics of the relationship. The two little words.."I do." I can't explain it. If you've never been married you will not understand what I am talking about. But, anyone who tells you love is all it takes is dead wrong. I can hardly stand cheating with kindred spirit. I have never done it before, nor will I ever allow myself to do it again. It is hard. It hurts. I think I can only stand myself because I use the excuse that I love him, that he is not married, and that situations can always change. Next weekend it is really going to change. So, I told him tonight that I am done. I take marriage seriously and that I take his vows seriously. I just can't do it. He was a little surprised, but he knows me, really knows me, and I think he knew it was coming. I think that is what the last time we were together was all about. Why he wanted to hear me say the words. Over and over. Even though it is going to be one of the hardest things I have done, I think we both will respect me more. His happiness means everything to me and I don't know how else to give it to him. Life seriously sucks! This is the second time I have had to break my own heart. I really really want one last kiss....