"If I only had a brain..."
I am so dumb. Dumb. Dumb. DUMB.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
April 21, 2007
The ending of the background story....I promise!
One very emotional week later I was talking to mutual friend online. He says he has to tell me something but for me not to freak out. Kindred spirit and girlfriend/fiancee had been in a car accident. She had tried to turn left in front of an oncoming truck and didn't make it. They were OK. They both had injuries but nothing serious. As I was trying to get details about what all had happened kindred spirit calls me. He knew I would hear about it and he wanted to assure me that he was fine. He told me the details and we spoke for a while. That night made me think. This was a man whose life I valued. Forget the stupid things that had been going on. This was a man who I had history with. A great friendship and an unexplainable love. I emailed him that night and told him I was thankful they were OK and that it was going to be hard not to talk to him. I told him I hadn't expected it to be this hard nor to miss him this much. He emailed me back and said he thought it was best to just let things and people calm down for a while and until that time for me to take care of myself.
Over the next two months I found myself constantly thinking back. Trying to figure out exactly what had happened and what kind of relationship we really had. I had went from a long courtship/marriage straight into a relationship with boyfriend/boss. They were easy, nothing I had to think about. This was different. I started remembering little things. One conversation where I realized I was being kinda possessive so I apologized. This was before Mom got sick. I told him that I was sorry and I thought I was starting to care a little too much. I said I knew it was breaking the rules and he asked what I was talking about. I told him I knew going in to this that he was in love with his g/f and things were not supposed to be that way with us. He told me I had it all wrong. That confused me so I just changed the subject. Or we would go back and forth all the time teasing who loved who more. I was sure it was me because I was sure he was in love with her. Little things, like going to work out with me when he had already worked out and just being there while I did my work out. In the middle of it reaching up, with a gentle smile on his lips, to tuck my bra strap back under my shirt. The way he would hug me when Mom first got sick and tell me it would all be OK - he would make sure of it. Or a couple months before that when my kids left the country for the first time with their dad. I was worried and scared. I was standing at the airport crying at 6am after being up all night. I called him and woke him up. He talked to me on the short drive back home. He told me to picture him standing behind me, with his arms around me. He would be whispering in my ear and letting me know they would be OK. He told me the things he would say and that I needed to hear at that moment. When I got home I finally went to bed, still on the phone with him. He relaxed me so I could fall asleep. He told me to picture myself laying in his arms. He would be holding me tight and rubbing my head and hair until I fell asleep. He said he would watch over me while I slept, still holding me, and place soft kisses all over my face. It was random moments such as these I thought about for 2 months.
Odd questions started coming to me. Had we went into this "thing" from different points of view? After all I had been in a relationship for years and looked at it as cheating. He had just been starting out in a new relationship. Was it possible that he had started falling in love with me too while I was trying so desperately not to fall in love with him? What exactly did he mean to me? What exactly did I mean to him? Had I missed the obvious? Confusion and nostalgia abounded. I was a mess. Unfortunately I was also remembering the things I had said that were just plain mean. I felt bad. I am normally not like that. I cannot stand rudeness. I do not think there is ever an occasion where it is beneficial. I gave in and after 2 months I called him. I told him there was something I needed to tell him. I went to his house and I apologized. I told him I didn't want to get in to the whole "situation" again. I had just been thinking and wanted to let him know that he was right - not about everything. I had been going through one of the most difficult times in my life and I really couldn't remember a lot of what was said or happened, but I knew I had been wrong in the majority of it. I blamed it on feeling out of control. He said he understood and that it was fine. He said he wanted to let me know that girlfriend/fiancee was not a bitch nor did she threaten to beat him if he talked to me. It just "disappointed" her. I told him I really wasn't going to get in to all of that. We started catching up and before I knew it I had been there an hour. I told him I had to go and hugged him. He lifted me up when we hugged and told me it was so good to talk to me again. I got in my car and as I was driving away I felt as if this huge weight had been lifted. I could do this. We may not be talking or hanging out anymore but we were not enemies nor were there any hard feelings.
That very same night he IM'd me. I was away from my computer but did not have my away message up. When I came back to it here is what I found. "Hey!" "I know we aren't supposed to be talking." "I just wanted to thank you again for coming by today." "It really meant alot to me." "I just wanted to tell you that." "Bye." I was upset that I had missed him, but at the same time I was glad. I didn't want to go back there again. One week later I received another IM. This time I was at my computer. Once again it started with "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but..." We talked. For hours and hours and hours. Just like before. About everything with the exception of girlfriend/fiancee. Four days later he IM'd me again. Once again it was "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but..." After a couple of hours of IM's he asked if he could just call. I said sure and somewhere in the phone conversation he brought up the idea how great it would be to hang out. Did I think we should? How about now? It was around 2am but me and my mindless self decided that it was an excellent idea. I went to his house and, yes you guessed it, we had sex for the second time. I have no excuse. I allowed my heart to take over and just went with it. It was, once again, awesome! Of course the I don't know why it happened and we cannot do it again followed. So we talked instead. It started as just once a week but soon became two, three, even four times a week. It always started on the computer and ended up with him calling. Never did I initiate the contact. Never did I ignore it either. A little over four weeks after the first time he asked me to come over again. I did. This time I knew what would happen. I went anyway. So it started. We talked a few times a week and saw each other a couple times a week. We did not talk about girlfriend/fiancee or the upcoming marriage. The pet names started again but not the I love yous. I love your eyes, lips, hair, etc. Not I love you. All was well as long as I didn't think about what I was doing too much.
She figured out the password to his new screen name. It took her a few months but she finally did it. Once again, she found a picture he had saved. From me. Of me. She called him and went off. He yelled back and hung up on her. He called me. He apologized for what had happened and was trying to figure out how to get out of it. He hated to ask but would it be OK if he just told her I sent it to him out of the blue and he had no idea why? Could he then call me with her there and ask me about it? He knew it was a lot to ask and how bad he had screwed up but he was desperate. All I could think of was how he felt betrayed by me before and what resulted and I didn't want to go through that again. I told him I would do it. I did. I know! I am supposed to be mature and not be in these situations. Seriously, I am 40 years old! I didn't think about this at the time. Only that I could not stand going through not being with him again. It worked. Once again she believed him and thought I was stalking him! She decided he no longer needed a screen name of his own. He had the password to her account and if he needed online he could just get on her screen name. By this time they were practically living together anyway. So, again, he deleted his account. He no longer has a screen name. I am not able to talk to him online. So, he calls instead. We still talk and see each other. It has been like this for the last 6 months. There have been lulls. If someone inadvertently mentions my name. She has an episode. He lays low for a week. He calls and apologizes and asks me if I am mad at him. If they come in a restaurant we all hang out in. She has an episode. He lays low for a week. He calls and apologizes and asks me if I am mad at him. We go on. Until 6 weeks ago. Kindred spirit has had a circle of male friends that have been with him for years and years. There were six of them and they were tight as friends could be. That was a year and a half ago, before he started dating girlfriend/fiancee. During the last year his circle has been reduced. First, she just couldn't stand this one. She would have an episode if he came to kindred spirits house to hang out. Every time. Things became too difficult if he was around. At the beginning he just didn't go around if she was there. Turned out that wasn't good enough for her. He was finally phased out. Then came the next friend. He was too negative about their relationship for her. She would have an episode after he had been around. It became too hard to deal with her if he was around. He was phased out. Six weeks ago was the final straw for mutual friend. She has been working on getting him out for the last 5 months. Her excuse is she thinks since he is also a friend with me that he is a bridge between kindred spirit and I. He has no clue about the relationship kindred spirit and I have. He does know we have some contact but that is all. I will skip all the details because all that is important is she finally won. Mutual friend is out of the picture. Kindred spirit is now down to 2 good friends and she has already start causing problems with one of those. There was a huge fight between kindred spirit and mutual friend. I found this out the day after the last night I had spent time with him. The fight had taken place before that night but I didn't know about it. Kindred spirit did mention that night that we really needed to talk but we didn't have the time on that particular night. He has not called nor made any attempt at contact with me since then. I am also really good friends with mutual friend. I am horrified at my part in all of this. He assured me that kindred spirit is a big boy and makes his own decisions and it isn't my fault. I still have more guilt than I know what to do with. I am used to him laying low for a week or so, but it has been 6 weeks. Here I am again. I am such a loser. I think about him and miss him. He is getting married in less than 4 months. Granted I don't see how the marriage will last with half of their relationship being based on all the lies and events that have occurred since it began. But seriously, what the hell am I doing?
I couldn't stand it anymore. I am angry, hurt, confused, but mostly appalled. I forgot to mention that she has gotten a job at the same company as him. So, now they work together and practically live together. He has no cell phone, screen name, she answers his home phone, and works with him. I can not talk to him if he does not call me when he has an opportunity to be alone. I called him late Thursday night. It was a bad time. We hung up almost immediately. He called me back yesterday afternoon. He asked if I was OK and if I needed something specific when I called because it sounded to him as if I was crying. How the hell do I answer that? So many things to say flashed through my mind. No I was not OK. I was pissed! Instead of starting with it right off I just assured him I had not been crying. He immediately apologized for not being in contact with me. It seems her brother had also moved in and stays up late with him therefore he is not alone any more late at night. Whatever! Seriously, who cares! He went on to say things had been going OK for him and he hoped they had for me too. He was talking very fast and I knew he thought I was mad and he was afraid of getting caught talking to me. He did a very good job of not letting me talk. He said he had to go but would try harder to stay in touch and that was that. I got to say nothing! His voice was very low and sexy and it grated on my nerves. There is so much I want to say to him. There is so much I need to say to him. I don't have the conversation down just yet. I have played it out many times in my head and it ends a different way every time. All I know is for my sanity, my self respect, my confused heart, I need to end this. I realize I should just let it go. I can't. I have lost so many people unexpectedly that when it is a planned thing I need to say my piece. I need closure. Or else it is left hanging and you have seen how well I have done in the past with him in that situation.
One very emotional week later I was talking to mutual friend online. He says he has to tell me something but for me not to freak out. Kindred spirit and girlfriend/fiancee had been in a car accident. She had tried to turn left in front of an oncoming truck and didn't make it. They were OK. They both had injuries but nothing serious. As I was trying to get details about what all had happened kindred spirit calls me. He knew I would hear about it and he wanted to assure me that he was fine. He told me the details and we spoke for a while. That night made me think. This was a man whose life I valued. Forget the stupid things that had been going on. This was a man who I had history with. A great friendship and an unexplainable love. I emailed him that night and told him I was thankful they were OK and that it was going to be hard not to talk to him. I told him I hadn't expected it to be this hard nor to miss him this much. He emailed me back and said he thought it was best to just let things and people calm down for a while and until that time for me to take care of myself.
Over the next two months I found myself constantly thinking back. Trying to figure out exactly what had happened and what kind of relationship we really had. I had went from a long courtship/marriage straight into a relationship with boyfriend/boss. They were easy, nothing I had to think about. This was different. I started remembering little things. One conversation where I realized I was being kinda possessive so I apologized. This was before Mom got sick. I told him that I was sorry and I thought I was starting to care a little too much. I said I knew it was breaking the rules and he asked what I was talking about. I told him I knew going in to this that he was in love with his g/f and things were not supposed to be that way with us. He told me I had it all wrong. That confused me so I just changed the subject. Or we would go back and forth all the time teasing who loved who more. I was sure it was me because I was sure he was in love with her. Little things, like going to work out with me when he had already worked out and just being there while I did my work out. In the middle of it reaching up, with a gentle smile on his lips, to tuck my bra strap back under my shirt. The way he would hug me when Mom first got sick and tell me it would all be OK - he would make sure of it. Or a couple months before that when my kids left the country for the first time with their dad. I was worried and scared. I was standing at the airport crying at 6am after being up all night. I called him and woke him up. He talked to me on the short drive back home. He told me to picture him standing behind me, with his arms around me. He would be whispering in my ear and letting me know they would be OK. He told me the things he would say and that I needed to hear at that moment. When I got home I finally went to bed, still on the phone with him. He relaxed me so I could fall asleep. He told me to picture myself laying in his arms. He would be holding me tight and rubbing my head and hair until I fell asleep. He said he would watch over me while I slept, still holding me, and place soft kisses all over my face. It was random moments such as these I thought about for 2 months.
Odd questions started coming to me. Had we went into this "thing" from different points of view? After all I had been in a relationship for years and looked at it as cheating. He had just been starting out in a new relationship. Was it possible that he had started falling in love with me too while I was trying so desperately not to fall in love with him? What exactly did he mean to me? What exactly did I mean to him? Had I missed the obvious? Confusion and nostalgia abounded. I was a mess. Unfortunately I was also remembering the things I had said that were just plain mean. I felt bad. I am normally not like that. I cannot stand rudeness. I do not think there is ever an occasion where it is beneficial. I gave in and after 2 months I called him. I told him there was something I needed to tell him. I went to his house and I apologized. I told him I didn't want to get in to the whole "situation" again. I had just been thinking and wanted to let him know that he was right - not about everything. I had been going through one of the most difficult times in my life and I really couldn't remember a lot of what was said or happened, but I knew I had been wrong in the majority of it. I blamed it on feeling out of control. He said he understood and that it was fine. He said he wanted to let me know that girlfriend/fiancee was not a bitch nor did she threaten to beat him if he talked to me. It just "disappointed" her. I told him I really wasn't going to get in to all of that. We started catching up and before I knew it I had been there an hour. I told him I had to go and hugged him. He lifted me up when we hugged and told me it was so good to talk to me again. I got in my car and as I was driving away I felt as if this huge weight had been lifted. I could do this. We may not be talking or hanging out anymore but we were not enemies nor were there any hard feelings.
That very same night he IM'd me. I was away from my computer but did not have my away message up. When I came back to it here is what I found. "Hey!" "I know we aren't supposed to be talking." "I just wanted to thank you again for coming by today." "It really meant alot to me." "I just wanted to tell you that." "Bye." I was upset that I had missed him, but at the same time I was glad. I didn't want to go back there again. One week later I received another IM. This time I was at my computer. Once again it started with "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but..." We talked. For hours and hours and hours. Just like before. About everything with the exception of girlfriend/fiancee. Four days later he IM'd me again. Once again it was "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but..." After a couple of hours of IM's he asked if he could just call. I said sure and somewhere in the phone conversation he brought up the idea how great it would be to hang out. Did I think we should? How about now? It was around 2am but me and my mindless self decided that it was an excellent idea. I went to his house and, yes you guessed it, we had sex for the second time. I have no excuse. I allowed my heart to take over and just went with it. It was, once again, awesome! Of course the I don't know why it happened and we cannot do it again followed. So we talked instead. It started as just once a week but soon became two, three, even four times a week. It always started on the computer and ended up with him calling. Never did I initiate the contact. Never did I ignore it either. A little over four weeks after the first time he asked me to come over again. I did. This time I knew what would happen. I went anyway. So it started. We talked a few times a week and saw each other a couple times a week. We did not talk about girlfriend/fiancee or the upcoming marriage. The pet names started again but not the I love yous. I love your eyes, lips, hair, etc. Not I love you. All was well as long as I didn't think about what I was doing too much.
She figured out the password to his new screen name. It took her a few months but she finally did it. Once again, she found a picture he had saved. From me. Of me. She called him and went off. He yelled back and hung up on her. He called me. He apologized for what had happened and was trying to figure out how to get out of it. He hated to ask but would it be OK if he just told her I sent it to him out of the blue and he had no idea why? Could he then call me with her there and ask me about it? He knew it was a lot to ask and how bad he had screwed up but he was desperate. All I could think of was how he felt betrayed by me before and what resulted and I didn't want to go through that again. I told him I would do it. I did. I know! I am supposed to be mature and not be in these situations. Seriously, I am 40 years old! I didn't think about this at the time. Only that I could not stand going through not being with him again. It worked. Once again she believed him and thought I was stalking him! She decided he no longer needed a screen name of his own. He had the password to her account and if he needed online he could just get on her screen name. By this time they were practically living together anyway. So, again, he deleted his account. He no longer has a screen name. I am not able to talk to him online. So, he calls instead. We still talk and see each other. It has been like this for the last 6 months. There have been lulls. If someone inadvertently mentions my name. She has an episode. He lays low for a week. He calls and apologizes and asks me if I am mad at him. If they come in a restaurant we all hang out in. She has an episode. He lays low for a week. He calls and apologizes and asks me if I am mad at him. We go on. Until 6 weeks ago. Kindred spirit has had a circle of male friends that have been with him for years and years. There were six of them and they were tight as friends could be. That was a year and a half ago, before he started dating girlfriend/fiancee. During the last year his circle has been reduced. First, she just couldn't stand this one. She would have an episode if he came to kindred spirits house to hang out. Every time. Things became too difficult if he was around. At the beginning he just didn't go around if she was there. Turned out that wasn't good enough for her. He was finally phased out. Then came the next friend. He was too negative about their relationship for her. She would have an episode after he had been around. It became too hard to deal with her if he was around. He was phased out. Six weeks ago was the final straw for mutual friend. She has been working on getting him out for the last 5 months. Her excuse is she thinks since he is also a friend with me that he is a bridge between kindred spirit and I. He has no clue about the relationship kindred spirit and I have. He does know we have some contact but that is all. I will skip all the details because all that is important is she finally won. Mutual friend is out of the picture. Kindred spirit is now down to 2 good friends and she has already start causing problems with one of those. There was a huge fight between kindred spirit and mutual friend. I found this out the day after the last night I had spent time with him. The fight had taken place before that night but I didn't know about it. Kindred spirit did mention that night that we really needed to talk but we didn't have the time on that particular night. He has not called nor made any attempt at contact with me since then. I am also really good friends with mutual friend. I am horrified at my part in all of this. He assured me that kindred spirit is a big boy and makes his own decisions and it isn't my fault. I still have more guilt than I know what to do with. I am used to him laying low for a week or so, but it has been 6 weeks. Here I am again. I am such a loser. I think about him and miss him. He is getting married in less than 4 months. Granted I don't see how the marriage will last with half of their relationship being based on all the lies and events that have occurred since it began. But seriously, what the hell am I doing?
I couldn't stand it anymore. I am angry, hurt, confused, but mostly appalled. I forgot to mention that she has gotten a job at the same company as him. So, now they work together and practically live together. He has no cell phone, screen name, she answers his home phone, and works with him. I can not talk to him if he does not call me when he has an opportunity to be alone. I called him late Thursday night. It was a bad time. We hung up almost immediately. He called me back yesterday afternoon. He asked if I was OK and if I needed something specific when I called because it sounded to him as if I was crying. How the hell do I answer that? So many things to say flashed through my mind. No I was not OK. I was pissed! Instead of starting with it right off I just assured him I had not been crying. He immediately apologized for not being in contact with me. It seems her brother had also moved in and stays up late with him therefore he is not alone any more late at night. Whatever! Seriously, who cares! He went on to say things had been going OK for him and he hoped they had for me too. He was talking very fast and I knew he thought I was mad and he was afraid of getting caught talking to me. He did a very good job of not letting me talk. He said he had to go but would try harder to stay in touch and that was that. I got to say nothing! His voice was very low and sexy and it grated on my nerves. There is so much I want to say to him. There is so much I need to say to him. I don't have the conversation down just yet. I have played it out many times in my head and it ends a different way every time. All I know is for my sanity, my self respect, my confused heart, I need to end this. I realize I should just let it go. I can't. I have lost so many people unexpectedly that when it is a planned thing I need to say my piece. I need closure. Or else it is left hanging and you have seen how well I have done in the past with him in that situation.
Friday, April 20, 2007
April 20, 2007
Last time I took you through the beginning of 2006. I will try to make this one shorter so I can talk about what is currently going on. For some reason I feel it is important for you to understand the whole situation and how dumb I have been! So, on to the story...
Things were going great with kindred spirit and I. We had the same routine daily and weekly. Text beginning when we get to work in the morning and all day long until we could end our day and talk on the phone at night til we went to sleep. Sounds like 5Th grade doesn't it? It gets better! We didn't hang out as much for 2 reasons. He was seeing girlfriend/fiancee more nights a week and I didn't trust myself around him. I really was physically attracted to him. I like sex. What can I say? I knew if I saw him I would be tempted to sleep with him and he sure wasn't trying to get me not to! Then, on the last day of March, my life changed completely. I am not going to get into the whole story now. I don't know if I will ever be able to seeing as I am not dealing with this - by choice. My problem. Any way I'm just gonna say it to put it out there because it has huge meaning to the story. I took my perfectly healthy Mom to the doctor, who sent us to the hospital where she stayed for 2 weeks. After that she went home where my sister and I had to care for her and on April 29 she passed away. Thirty of the worst days of my entire life. I will get into my family dynamics another time as this is a very funny, sometimes shocking, always complicated subject for others to grasp.
I have been a single parent for the last 10 years. I have a daughter L who turned 18 this year and a son J who will turn 16 later in the year. At the time my Mom was diagnosed I was working 2 jobs. I took a leave of absence from my second job and a ton of time off from my real job so I could be with her. Kindred spirit was great during this time. I would talk to him in the morning after I had taken my kids to school on the way to the hospital. He would text periodically asking me how she was or how I was. If I needed a smile all I had to do was tell him and he would send me a cute picture of his dog or tell me a funny story. If I just wanted to see him he would send me a picture of what he was doing at the time. No matter what. If he was asleep he would get up and take a picture for me. I got some of the cutest pictures of him just getting out of bed with his hair all a mess and his eyes all sleepy! Trying to work, take care of my kids, host siblings who came in from out of town, and spend as much time at the hospital as I could I soon exhausted myself. I was so freaking tired. It didn't matter though because I had to keep on. It's funny how tragedy can befall you and the whole world will just keep going on because it doesn't give a shit what you are going through. I did not have the time nor the energy nor the emotion to spend on kindred spirit like I had before Mom got sick. I still had contact with him daily. Lots of time it would be right before my head hit the pillow and all I could do was tell him goodnight and I love you. After the first week I even skipped a night or two. I have to say, during the beginning of Mom's sickness some thing happened to me. I got pissed. Really pissed. I still am. I have lost more people than I have left. And damnit my Mom was the last straw. My brain and my heart started functioning differently. Unfortunately so did my mouth.
I remember random things during this time. I was at the drugstore picking up a prescription for my Mom. Kindred spirit and I were texting. Nothing big I'm sure but I remember texting him back and out of the blue telling him I wasn't going to allow myself to fall in love with him. His response? "Thanks for being honest." I know! One night he was talking about the pressure he was getting because girlfriend/fiancee was suspicious that he was still in contact with me and I just said, "If you need to quit talking to me then I can do that." His response? Nothing. I know!Another time, and I can't remember the details, but we were talking about sex and my mouth failed me again. He is very well endowed (which he knows and is very proud of!) and honestly, there is just something about being with him that really really gets to me. I have not told him that-ever. No, on this particular evening I told him he was impressive but was not, by far, the biggest I had ever had. I know! Seriously, I know! Some truths are not meant to be shared! You get the picture by now? I was pissed and scared out of my mind. My comfortable little world was falling apart and he was some of the problem. The truth is I was starting to fall in love with him. I didn't want to. I tried not to. After all, what kind of a relationship did we have anyway? He had a g/f - I had a b/f. We were cheaters who didn't cheat physically. I told him I love him - he told me he loves me. It was screwed up to say the least. Our daily talks ended sometime during this month. I noticed but couldn't find the energy to do anything about it. He would text me - I was busy. I would text him - he was busy. The nightly phone calls were no more - I had to stay and take care of my Mom at her house or come home at midnight and try to make up for not being here with my kids. The night I got a phone call from my sister at 3 am telling me to get to Mom's right away I called him. He was asleep so I left him a desperate text telling him I was scared shitless because something was wrong. He text me back as I walked in to my Mom's house complete with the paramedics and police inside. She had died. She was sick but we were told when she left the hospital worst case scenario was 4 years. Not 2 weeks! I had just left there 9 hours before. Total shock. I didn't answer my text right away, of course, I was busy being blown away by all that was being said to me. 5 "what's wrong" texts and 2 unanswered phone calls later, I text him back and said "she's dead."
When I was sitting in the funeral home making arrangements I received a text from kindred spirit simply saying, "I love you." When I was sitting in the limo, following the hearse, I received a text from kindred spirit simply saying, "I love you." Perfect timing those texts, except, they were texts. He wasn't there. Couldn't be. Our relationship was secret. She somehow found out he had called me during the last few days and threw one of her by now famous "fits." He told her about Mom, but that made no difference to her. I was fine with that. I didn't want to love him anyway. The feeling of being pissed off when Mom got sick went over the top when she died. I can not even think of a word to adequately describe the anger I have. So, I got through it the best I could. I have 5 siblings. 3 older brothers and 2 older sisters. Best sister ever and I were the only ones who stayed in this state, close to Mom. So it was pretty chaotic when all of them were here. I had other things to keep my mind occupied. My hurt, my children's hurt, my other siblings guilt for moving away, my nieces and nephew's, etc. It was pretty easy to keep my mind off of kindred spirit and how our relationship had taken a turn. Easy until things died down. Easy until I was left to "get back to normal." While I had been too busy with my life and problems to maintain my part of the relationship kindred spirit had grown closer with girlfriend/fiancee. He was busy with her when I would try to text or call. He couldn't talk when she was there which was almost daily now. When she fell asleep he would text or IM me. Not every night but still 3 or 4 nights a week. Phone calls became rare. There were no "deep" conversations. There was still flirting and an occasional I love you - mostly from me. Things had changed. There was a shift in our relationship. One night I asked him about it when we were online. I was totally unprepared for his response. After telling me ALL the things that had been going on in my life for the past 5 months and reminding me how he was THERE for me through it all, he told me he couldn't believe that I was now going to tell him I was pissed because he had FINALLY started living his own life! WTF? Seriously! I said something dumb along the lines of I thought I was a part of your life or something. I honestly don't remember the exact words. Or the rest of the conversation. That hurt like no other. To this day I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean.
Two weeks later she found his previous cell phone bill. It wasn't detailed but he had a ton of verizon to verizon minutes used, over 3,000 verizon to verizon texts, and over 1,000 verizon to verizon pictures. The only problem was she was not verizon! I, of course, am. It was a couple months old phone bill but off she went again nonetheless. He got upset and threw his phone across the room smashing it in to pieces. He called and told me what had happened and told me not to text him any more. Wouldn't have mattered. That was 8 months ago and he has yet to replace it. His answer to her was it wasn't me he was talking to it was his family. Her answer to him was that he could talk to his family from his home phone or use her cell. He said he didn't need to replace it because I was the main person he used it for and we could just talk online or on the phone. WTF?
A couple weeks later I found out from a mutual friend that they had decided to get married. They had set the date for 13 months away. I was totally shocked. I couldn't believe he had not told me this. I still talked to him. Granted not as often, or about as many things, but still! It was a few times a week! That night when he got online and IM'd me I asked him about it. His first reaction was to be pissed at mutual friend and then he told me he wasn't ready for me to know yet. When I asked him why he said he wasn't ready to discuss it with me. I told him fine we would discuss it when he was ready and then we changed the subject, ended up talking about sex as usual, and that was the last time his wedding was brought up.
Oh, it gets better! About a month after that, she broke in to his screen name! She found some pretty sexy/raunchy/extremely fun emails we had sent back and forth. Yes, she somehow knew my screen name. She called him over to her house early that morning and they got in a huge one. His answer to her was that mutual friend must have used his screen name and sent those back and forth with me. It wasn't him. Her answer to him was two-fold. If he had not been the one to talk to me and he doesn't talk to me, then he should have no problem calling me right then and there, in front of her, on speaker phone, and breaking all ties with me. So, I get a phone call that morning and he says something bad has happened and he is going to have to cut all ties with me. He, of course, is sorry, but he can't speak to me any more. The second thing she asked him to do was change his screen name. She wanted it to be private and for him to block all but her and the 2 friends she approves of from seeing that he was online. Which, of course, no one would know his new screen name so that was a moot point. Anyway, he did this also. He also called me that night and told me what was going on. When she has one of her episodes he lies his way out of it and then lays low for a week or two. Always. Since they have started dating he's done this.
A week later she feels the need to IM me. I was not in the mood. This had become a stupid situation and I was not going to be forced to act like a child any more. Our mutual friend had started to take the rap for kindred spirit as he had done in the past but decided he was also sick of lying and told her the truth. So, she asked me. I told her the truth. Well, mostly. I told her they were a joke because that night I think they really were. For once it wasn't pictures of ourselves we were sending but rather pictures off a porn site of some guy with an 18" member! She was on the phone with kindred spirit at the same time she was IMing me. He, of course, was telling her I was lying, and I, of course, was telling her whatever! I was sick of the lies. She said she knew it was her fault things had gotten so out of hand and if I could just listen to her for a minute maybe I would understand. Honestly, at this point, I didn't give a shit. I wasn't gonna listen to her. I was beyond caring what caused her episodes and for her to be a control freak. I was done lying and if that wasn't good enough then ....yeah. Within 5 minutes I get an IM from a new screen name telling me it's kindred spirit. He is pissed. I have betrayed him. We have a huge fight and agree that we are never gonna talk again. I am so sick of this. He thinks I have changed. I think he has changed. My friend, who was so sure of himself, who had no problem standing up for his sometimes off the wall beliefs, would not allow himself to be controlled like this. Sorry, but kindred spirit was not in existence any more. So we ended it. It turned out in the end we weren't fighting, just telling each other how disappointed we were. I was crying by this time. I was beyond sick of losing people I loved. This hurt. Too much. I ended it by telling him I loved him, that I really did wish him well, and that if he ever needed anything I would be here. I meant it with all my heart. His response was, "Maybe someday."
This happened at the end of August. Once again, this post has become too long. I promise I will finish the story soon. I have to. I talked to him today!
Things were going great with kindred spirit and I. We had the same routine daily and weekly. Text beginning when we get to work in the morning and all day long until we could end our day and talk on the phone at night til we went to sleep. Sounds like 5Th grade doesn't it? It gets better! We didn't hang out as much for 2 reasons. He was seeing girlfriend/fiancee more nights a week and I didn't trust myself around him. I really was physically attracted to him. I like sex. What can I say? I knew if I saw him I would be tempted to sleep with him and he sure wasn't trying to get me not to! Then, on the last day of March, my life changed completely. I am not going to get into the whole story now. I don't know if I will ever be able to seeing as I am not dealing with this - by choice. My problem. Any way I'm just gonna say it to put it out there because it has huge meaning to the story. I took my perfectly healthy Mom to the doctor, who sent us to the hospital where she stayed for 2 weeks. After that she went home where my sister and I had to care for her and on April 29 she passed away. Thirty of the worst days of my entire life. I will get into my family dynamics another time as this is a very funny, sometimes shocking, always complicated subject for others to grasp.
I have been a single parent for the last 10 years. I have a daughter L who turned 18 this year and a son J who will turn 16 later in the year. At the time my Mom was diagnosed I was working 2 jobs. I took a leave of absence from my second job and a ton of time off from my real job so I could be with her. Kindred spirit was great during this time. I would talk to him in the morning after I had taken my kids to school on the way to the hospital. He would text periodically asking me how she was or how I was. If I needed a smile all I had to do was tell him and he would send me a cute picture of his dog or tell me a funny story. If I just wanted to see him he would send me a picture of what he was doing at the time. No matter what. If he was asleep he would get up and take a picture for me. I got some of the cutest pictures of him just getting out of bed with his hair all a mess and his eyes all sleepy! Trying to work, take care of my kids, host siblings who came in from out of town, and spend as much time at the hospital as I could I soon exhausted myself. I was so freaking tired. It didn't matter though because I had to keep on. It's funny how tragedy can befall you and the whole world will just keep going on because it doesn't give a shit what you are going through. I did not have the time nor the energy nor the emotion to spend on kindred spirit like I had before Mom got sick. I still had contact with him daily. Lots of time it would be right before my head hit the pillow and all I could do was tell him goodnight and I love you. After the first week I even skipped a night or two. I have to say, during the beginning of Mom's sickness some thing happened to me. I got pissed. Really pissed. I still am. I have lost more people than I have left. And damnit my Mom was the last straw. My brain and my heart started functioning differently. Unfortunately so did my mouth.
I remember random things during this time. I was at the drugstore picking up a prescription for my Mom. Kindred spirit and I were texting. Nothing big I'm sure but I remember texting him back and out of the blue telling him I wasn't going to allow myself to fall in love with him. His response? "Thanks for being honest." I know! One night he was talking about the pressure he was getting because girlfriend/fiancee was suspicious that he was still in contact with me and I just said, "If you need to quit talking to me then I can do that." His response? Nothing. I know!Another time, and I can't remember the details, but we were talking about sex and my mouth failed me again. He is very well endowed (which he knows and is very proud of!) and honestly, there is just something about being with him that really really gets to me. I have not told him that-ever. No, on this particular evening I told him he was impressive but was not, by far, the biggest I had ever had. I know! Seriously, I know! Some truths are not meant to be shared! You get the picture by now? I was pissed and scared out of my mind. My comfortable little world was falling apart and he was some of the problem. The truth is I was starting to fall in love with him. I didn't want to. I tried not to. After all, what kind of a relationship did we have anyway? He had a g/f - I had a b/f. We were cheaters who didn't cheat physically. I told him I love him - he told me he loves me. It was screwed up to say the least. Our daily talks ended sometime during this month. I noticed but couldn't find the energy to do anything about it. He would text me - I was busy. I would text him - he was busy. The nightly phone calls were no more - I had to stay and take care of my Mom at her house or come home at midnight and try to make up for not being here with my kids. The night I got a phone call from my sister at 3 am telling me to get to Mom's right away I called him. He was asleep so I left him a desperate text telling him I was scared shitless because something was wrong. He text me back as I walked in to my Mom's house complete with the paramedics and police inside. She had died. She was sick but we were told when she left the hospital worst case scenario was 4 years. Not 2 weeks! I had just left there 9 hours before. Total shock. I didn't answer my text right away, of course, I was busy being blown away by all that was being said to me. 5 "what's wrong" texts and 2 unanswered phone calls later, I text him back and said "she's dead."
When I was sitting in the funeral home making arrangements I received a text from kindred spirit simply saying, "I love you." When I was sitting in the limo, following the hearse, I received a text from kindred spirit simply saying, "I love you." Perfect timing those texts, except, they were texts. He wasn't there. Couldn't be. Our relationship was secret. She somehow found out he had called me during the last few days and threw one of her by now famous "fits." He told her about Mom, but that made no difference to her. I was fine with that. I didn't want to love him anyway. The feeling of being pissed off when Mom got sick went over the top when she died. I can not even think of a word to adequately describe the anger I have. So, I got through it the best I could. I have 5 siblings. 3 older brothers and 2 older sisters. Best sister ever and I were the only ones who stayed in this state, close to Mom. So it was pretty chaotic when all of them were here. I had other things to keep my mind occupied. My hurt, my children's hurt, my other siblings guilt for moving away, my nieces and nephew's, etc. It was pretty easy to keep my mind off of kindred spirit and how our relationship had taken a turn. Easy until things died down. Easy until I was left to "get back to normal." While I had been too busy with my life and problems to maintain my part of the relationship kindred spirit had grown closer with girlfriend/fiancee. He was busy with her when I would try to text or call. He couldn't talk when she was there which was almost daily now. When she fell asleep he would text or IM me. Not every night but still 3 or 4 nights a week. Phone calls became rare. There were no "deep" conversations. There was still flirting and an occasional I love you - mostly from me. Things had changed. There was a shift in our relationship. One night I asked him about it when we were online. I was totally unprepared for his response. After telling me ALL the things that had been going on in my life for the past 5 months and reminding me how he was THERE for me through it all, he told me he couldn't believe that I was now going to tell him I was pissed because he had FINALLY started living his own life! WTF? Seriously! I said something dumb along the lines of I thought I was a part of your life or something. I honestly don't remember the exact words. Or the rest of the conversation. That hurt like no other. To this day I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean.
Two weeks later she found his previous cell phone bill. It wasn't detailed but he had a ton of verizon to verizon minutes used, over 3,000 verizon to verizon texts, and over 1,000 verizon to verizon pictures. The only problem was she was not verizon! I, of course, am. It was a couple months old phone bill but off she went again nonetheless. He got upset and threw his phone across the room smashing it in to pieces. He called and told me what had happened and told me not to text him any more. Wouldn't have mattered. That was 8 months ago and he has yet to replace it. His answer to her was it wasn't me he was talking to it was his family. Her answer to him was that he could talk to his family from his home phone or use her cell. He said he didn't need to replace it because I was the main person he used it for and we could just talk online or on the phone. WTF?
A couple weeks later I found out from a mutual friend that they had decided to get married. They had set the date for 13 months away. I was totally shocked. I couldn't believe he had not told me this. I still talked to him. Granted not as often, or about as many things, but still! It was a few times a week! That night when he got online and IM'd me I asked him about it. His first reaction was to be pissed at mutual friend and then he told me he wasn't ready for me to know yet. When I asked him why he said he wasn't ready to discuss it with me. I told him fine we would discuss it when he was ready and then we changed the subject, ended up talking about sex as usual, and that was the last time his wedding was brought up.
Oh, it gets better! About a month after that, she broke in to his screen name! She found some pretty sexy/raunchy/extremely fun emails we had sent back and forth. Yes, she somehow knew my screen name. She called him over to her house early that morning and they got in a huge one. His answer to her was that mutual friend must have used his screen name and sent those back and forth with me. It wasn't him. Her answer to him was two-fold. If he had not been the one to talk to me and he doesn't talk to me, then he should have no problem calling me right then and there, in front of her, on speaker phone, and breaking all ties with me. So, I get a phone call that morning and he says something bad has happened and he is going to have to cut all ties with me. He, of course, is sorry, but he can't speak to me any more. The second thing she asked him to do was change his screen name. She wanted it to be private and for him to block all but her and the 2 friends she approves of from seeing that he was online. Which, of course, no one would know his new screen name so that was a moot point. Anyway, he did this also. He also called me that night and told me what was going on. When she has one of her episodes he lies his way out of it and then lays low for a week or two. Always. Since they have started dating he's done this.
A week later she feels the need to IM me. I was not in the mood. This had become a stupid situation and I was not going to be forced to act like a child any more. Our mutual friend had started to take the rap for kindred spirit as he had done in the past but decided he was also sick of lying and told her the truth. So, she asked me. I told her the truth. Well, mostly. I told her they were a joke because that night I think they really were. For once it wasn't pictures of ourselves we were sending but rather pictures off a porn site of some guy with an 18" member! She was on the phone with kindred spirit at the same time she was IMing me. He, of course, was telling her I was lying, and I, of course, was telling her whatever! I was sick of the lies. She said she knew it was her fault things had gotten so out of hand and if I could just listen to her for a minute maybe I would understand. Honestly, at this point, I didn't give a shit. I wasn't gonna listen to her. I was beyond caring what caused her episodes and for her to be a control freak. I was done lying and if that wasn't good enough then ....yeah. Within 5 minutes I get an IM from a new screen name telling me it's kindred spirit. He is pissed. I have betrayed him. We have a huge fight and agree that we are never gonna talk again. I am so sick of this. He thinks I have changed. I think he has changed. My friend, who was so sure of himself, who had no problem standing up for his sometimes off the wall beliefs, would not allow himself to be controlled like this. Sorry, but kindred spirit was not in existence any more. So we ended it. It turned out in the end we weren't fighting, just telling each other how disappointed we were. I was crying by this time. I was beyond sick of losing people I loved. This hurt. Too much. I ended it by telling him I loved him, that I really did wish him well, and that if he ever needed anything I would be here. I meant it with all my heart. His response was, "Maybe someday."
This happened at the end of August. Once again, this post has become too long. I promise I will finish the story soon. I have to. I talked to him today!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
April 18, 2007
I miss kindred spirit. It has been almost six weeks since I have seen him. He kissed me goodbye and told me he would call me the next night. I haven't heard anything from him since. He does this. His girlfriend - actually his fiancee now - doesn't want him to talk to me. She knew we were friends when they started dating. The closer they got the more she pressured him to not talk to me. She doesn't know we are intimate. No one does. She thinks I will try to talk him in to getting back together with my friend. He was head over heels for my friend and she is the one who broke it off. Four years ago! Yeah, he is over that one! Maybe she can tell we have feelings for each other. I'm acting like you know the story and you don't. I shall try to explain this...
I met kindred spirit a little over 4 years ago. He was dating one of my friends. Not a close friend but someone I see from time to time. We hit it off and struck up a friendship. After a while I was actually closer to him than her. She broke up with him and I was there for him to talk to. We talked on the Internet or on the phone once or twice a week. We talked about everything. I told him about boyfriend/boss and he told me about trying to get over my friend and then about his dating and subsequent girlfriends. We talked about our philosophy of life, religion, raising my children as a single mother, our families, friends, anything and everything you can think of. We became close and considered each other persons we could trust. We hung out a couple times a month and continued to talk and develop this amazing friendship. About 2 years ago we started talking almost daily. We did text daily, sometimes all day long, and we talked on the phone for hours. We hung out a couple times a week. This continued for over 5 months. He was starting to date his current girlfriend/fiancee. About a year and a half ago they became a couple. We continued to talk and text daily and still hung out. All was platonic. His girlfriend would not come to my house and she was uncomfortable if I was around when we all went out. Her excuse was she believed I wanted him back with my friend. He knew this was not true and told her so. A month into their relationship we were hanging out one night and to this day I'm not sure how it happened. One minute we were talking and listening to this new CD and the next minute we are making out. I must admit it was one of the best! Afterward we were both kinda shocked. He had made comments and we had joked around but I never thought we would end up sleeping together. I had never thought of him like that. We talked about it the next day and both decided it shouldn't have happened and couldn't happen again. I had never cheated and he said he hadn't either and I didn't want to be one of those people.
But things had changed. Our talk was more intimate. It came up in conversations. He would brush against me. Brush my hair out of my face. Kiss my forehead. Stuff like that. We would talk about what we would do or how it would be if we could be together. (Keep in mind I have been with boyfriend/boss for over 10 years.) One day he looked at me in the middle of a discussion and told me to shut up and tell him I loved him. I did. We kissed and made out a little but I meant it when I said we couldn't sleep together anymore. He meant it too. He didn't want to hurt girlfriend/fiancee either. We told each other I love you from that day on. Random text in the middle of the day. Every night when we said good night. He would call me on the way to girlfriend/fiancee's house, from her house while she was in the shower, on the way home from her house. It was crazy. He was getting a lot of pressure from her and her friends about being friends with me. I was also getting pressure for talking to him so much. Girlfriend/fiancee is kinda crazy. When she gets upset she cries and throws up for days. She has even cut herself. She tells him everyone in her life has left her and makes him promise he won't leave her too. She tells him and everyone who will listen that he is the only reason she gets up in the morning and the only thing that gets her through the day. She finally told him she can't handle it if he's friends with me any more. If he loved her he would do this for her. So, and I know what you're thinking but you're wrong, our relationship became a secret! No one except for a chosen few could know we still talked.
This takes you through the beginning of 2006. It is turning out longer than I expected so I will have to finish at a later time. Stay tuned....
I met kindred spirit a little over 4 years ago. He was dating one of my friends. Not a close friend but someone I see from time to time. We hit it off and struck up a friendship. After a while I was actually closer to him than her. She broke up with him and I was there for him to talk to. We talked on the Internet or on the phone once or twice a week. We talked about everything. I told him about boyfriend/boss and he told me about trying to get over my friend and then about his dating and subsequent girlfriends. We talked about our philosophy of life, religion, raising my children as a single mother, our families, friends, anything and everything you can think of. We became close and considered each other persons we could trust. We hung out a couple times a month and continued to talk and develop this amazing friendship. About 2 years ago we started talking almost daily. We did text daily, sometimes all day long, and we talked on the phone for hours. We hung out a couple times a week. This continued for over 5 months. He was starting to date his current girlfriend/fiancee. About a year and a half ago they became a couple. We continued to talk and text daily and still hung out. All was platonic. His girlfriend would not come to my house and she was uncomfortable if I was around when we all went out. Her excuse was she believed I wanted him back with my friend. He knew this was not true and told her so. A month into their relationship we were hanging out one night and to this day I'm not sure how it happened. One minute we were talking and listening to this new CD and the next minute we are making out. I must admit it was one of the best! Afterward we were both kinda shocked. He had made comments and we had joked around but I never thought we would end up sleeping together. I had never thought of him like that. We talked about it the next day and both decided it shouldn't have happened and couldn't happen again. I had never cheated and he said he hadn't either and I didn't want to be one of those people.
But things had changed. Our talk was more intimate. It came up in conversations. He would brush against me. Brush my hair out of my face. Kiss my forehead. Stuff like that. We would talk about what we would do or how it would be if we could be together. (Keep in mind I have been with boyfriend/boss for over 10 years.) One day he looked at me in the middle of a discussion and told me to shut up and tell him I loved him. I did. We kissed and made out a little but I meant it when I said we couldn't sleep together anymore. He meant it too. He didn't want to hurt girlfriend/fiancee either. We told each other I love you from that day on. Random text in the middle of the day. Every night when we said good night. He would call me on the way to girlfriend/fiancee's house, from her house while she was in the shower, on the way home from her house. It was crazy. He was getting a lot of pressure from her and her friends about being friends with me. I was also getting pressure for talking to him so much. Girlfriend/fiancee is kinda crazy. When she gets upset she cries and throws up for days. She has even cut herself. She tells him everyone in her life has left her and makes him promise he won't leave her too. She tells him and everyone who will listen that he is the only reason she gets up in the morning and the only thing that gets her through the day. She finally told him she can't handle it if he's friends with me any more. If he loved her he would do this for her. So, and I know what you're thinking but you're wrong, our relationship became a secret! No one except for a chosen few could know we still talked.
This takes you through the beginning of 2006. It is turning out longer than I expected so I will have to finish at a later time. Stay tuned....
Thursday, April 12, 2007
April 12, 2007
I am in the process of ending 2 very important relationships. First, I am ending things with my boyfriend. We have been in a relationship for years and years and years. There are numerous circumstances as to why it has never went beyond what it is. Only a few people know it exists. He is my boss for one, and a close friend of my ex. Circumstances have never seemed right to come out in the open with it. I started resenting this fact about 2 years ago. Actually, now that I think back, I started ending this 2 years ago. It is really hard for me because I do love him. I am not head over heels in love with him anymore. I think I have stayed with him more out of security and friendship. He really is one of my best friends. We depend on each other. This is very tricky. He is my boss and my friend and how do I end one aspect of the relationship but not the others? This has been my dilemma for 2 years now. I always wimp out. He doesn't want the physical and emotional part to end. I do. Every time I try he wants to fire me after 18+ years of working for him. I think this is unfair. We are not children. We should be able to have an adult relationship and a working relationship without me having to sleep with him. This time I am holding my ground. I have to do this for myself. I will probably be looking for a new job soon.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the other relationship is even more of a mess. I met a guy about 4 years ago. He was an ex of one of my friends. We started talking and formed a friendship. A close friendship. We are kindred spirits. A year and a half ago the friendship became more. It just happened and we both agreed it shouldn't have and wasn't going to again. But it did. We have been having this on again off again relationship that I cannot begin to define. It is completely out of control and drives me crazy. I have thought about and tried to end this "thing" we started. I just want to go back to being friends. Every time I try I give in. All I have to do is see him. This whole situation sickens me. I cannot believe what I have allowed myself to get in to. I cannot let my heart take over this time. I must stay strong and true to who I really am. I am not that person. This time I am holding my ground. I have to do this for myself. I will probably be minus a good friend soon.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the other relationship is even more of a mess. I met a guy about 4 years ago. He was an ex of one of my friends. We started talking and formed a friendship. A close friendship. We are kindred spirits. A year and a half ago the friendship became more. It just happened and we both agreed it shouldn't have and wasn't going to again. But it did. We have been having this on again off again relationship that I cannot begin to define. It is completely out of control and drives me crazy. I have thought about and tried to end this "thing" we started. I just want to go back to being friends. Every time I try I give in. All I have to do is see him. This whole situation sickens me. I cannot believe what I have allowed myself to get in to. I cannot let my heart take over this time. I must stay strong and true to who I really am. I am not that person. This time I am holding my ground. I have to do this for myself. I will probably be minus a good friend soon.
Monday, April 9, 2007
April 8, 2007
I am on the verge of something big. Change. Very big deal for me. I don't like change. I resist it with all that I am. I have felt this on and off for the past 2 years. There are so many things that happen in life that you just cannot control. They occur every day. My life, the parts I can control, I choose to keep the same. I find something that works and I stick with it. Never mind that it worked extremely well years ago when I first discovered it and circumstances or my environment have changed since. I fight change. Always have. Not to say that I am not capable of adapting. I have adapted to more over the past 10 years than a person should have to. Those were things beyond my control. Death, birth, divorce, loss of income, etc. This began as a nudge. Like the universe was telling me I needed to take a look at my life. I did this and slid back in to my comfortable routine. That's when the push came. Like my effort from before was not enough. I need to really look at myself. Once again, I did and just crawled right back where I had been. So what if I was wasting myself and my inner talents and strengths. I liked the comfort and security that my routine brought me. I don't want to change the familiar. This time, however, I have been shoved. Out of my comfort zone. My inner work won't stay inside. Instead of feeling safe and secure with my daily routine, this voice inside keeps saying "what if." I try to push it back down but lately it isn't having any of that. It just keeps talking. Making me wonder. So I have decided it is time for the little voice and I to come to an understanding. I will venture out of my comfort zone and go for it. All of it. The big change. That little voice better be there through this whole adventure, cheering me on, or else I will hunt it down and silence it once and for all.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
April 3, 2007
I am finally doing it. I have wanted to start my own blog for some time. I started reading other's blogs for direction a couple of months ago. The only problem with that was once I started reading I couldn't stop! I am obsessive like that at times. I went as far as to start at the beginning of some. Three years worth on one lol and I read every single entry. I must say I am now hooked on certain blogs. I will link them at a later time as I have yet to figure out all the quirks and kinks of blogging.
A little background - The blog name comes from somewhere deep inside me. It seems during the day I am a normal person. A mother of two, a professional, a girlfriend, friend, etc. As darkness falls, the thoughts and feelings I push down and try to ignore all day start making their way in to my reality and stay until once again the sun shines in my window. To say I am in a place where I thought I would be at age 40 is a truly funny statement. I remember seeing people my age when I was in my early 20's and I thought,"They are so grown up. They have it all together and know everything." Maybe the one's I saw back then were, but this woman still has a lot to learn.
I am sure all of the background surrounding my sometimes funny, sometimes sad, but always crazy life will slowly come out as I write this. For now, though, I am going to post this, and yes, I admit it, go admire my new blog with its first post!
A little background - The blog name comes from somewhere deep inside me. It seems during the day I am a normal person. A mother of two, a professional, a girlfriend, friend, etc. As darkness falls, the thoughts and feelings I push down and try to ignore all day start making their way in to my reality and stay until once again the sun shines in my window. To say I am in a place where I thought I would be at age 40 is a truly funny statement. I remember seeing people my age when I was in my early 20's and I thought,"They are so grown up. They have it all together and know everything." Maybe the one's I saw back then were, but this woman still has a lot to learn.
I am sure all of the background surrounding my sometimes funny, sometimes sad, but always crazy life will slowly come out as I write this. For now, though, I am going to post this, and yes, I admit it, go admire my new blog with its first post!
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