When The Dark Comes

April 29, 2008

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:20:00 +0000

I took L to her first pre natal appointment today. Today is also the 2-year anniversary of mom's death. Ironic?

April 25, 2008

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:20:00 +0000

I came home a few weeks ago from my first class of this quarter. L was sitting in the living room waiting for me. I could tell by the look on her face this wasn't going to be good. I put my school stuff down and went over and sat next to her on the couch. I looked at her and just said, "What?" She said, "I'm pregnant."

I've been trying to process this. It's a little overwhelming. I'm not ready to blog about it yet.

March 8, 2008

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 14:29:00 +0000

One of the things I like about living in Ohio is the seasons. I've thought about moving out to the west coast, but I think I would really miss the changing landscape. I look at the 4 seasons as a life cycle. Spring is the birth; everything is new and fresh and bright. I find myself full of hope and ready to take on the world in this season. Summer is the maturing time; everything is born and stark and waiting for you to create it. The world is my canvas and I find myself full of ideas and accomplishments in this season. Fall is the golden time; everything is changing and turning and beautiful. I find I am in awe of nature and the process that every living plant and animal go through in preparation during this season. It makes me take stock and become aware of the most basics things that need to be done in my life. Winter is hiatus time; everything has paused and is covered with snow, like a blanket keeping it warm while it sleeps. I find myself spending more time with my kids and reflecting on the past year's endeavors. I bond more with my family and try to figure out what needs to be adjusted to stay on my path.

That being said, it is March 8Th and there will be approximately a foot of snow outside my door by the time it is finished this afternoon! Ohio is known for its weird weather, but I can't remember us ever being under a blizzard warning in March before. I am so ready for the "birth" to begin!

This is also tax season, and it is my busiest time of year on the work front. It's a good thing for me because it offers me an opportunity to make extra money that I desperately need. I can make it during the year as long as nothing too big or expensive comes up. The extra money during tax season is dedicated for the sole purpose of pampering us. My daughter graduated in June, but with the extra cost of her senior package, senior pictures, and grad party I wasn't able to get her the graduation present I wanted. So, the first thing I did was buy her a new laptop for graduation. Finally! I have felt so guilty about it. My son turned 16 last June, but still does not have his license. We got his temps when he turned 15 1/2 in December 2006! We had to get them again this past December. For some reason it has been impossible for me to come up with the $ 420.00 for his driving classes. My daughter's birthday is in January (during tax season) so she got to take her classes right away. I feel bad for making him wait almost a year, but he is now signed up. Being a single mom is hard and I have learned to try not to beat myself up over these types of things.

School has been fun and difficult for me so far this quarter. I have struggled with the medium and gotten frustrated on so many occasions. I am dealing with ink. Drawing with the pen nibs and quill hasn't been too bad. The problem is once you have laid the ink on the paper there is no taking it back. So when I make a mistake I have to somehow incorporate it into the drawing. This irritates me because I am a detail retard when it comes to my drawings. I have had to loosen up a bit with the perfection aspect, and that has been a fight within me. To add to the frustration, we are also using ink washes. You mix one or more drops of ink with water and wash it over your drawing. The more ink used the darker the wash. This, along with the different pen nibs, helps to create tone, texture, and shadow in the drawings. But when you are mixing a liquid with a liquid it is very transparent. So, you need to layer the wash to try to achieve the right "color." If you have ever used watercolors you know as soon as you brush it on, there is a mark. When you dip your brush again and put it next to the first one, you always end up with a brushstroke mark on the page. These are ugly! I don't like brushstrokes. Yet, I have to somehow incorporate them in to my drawings also and make it look like it wasn't done by a 5 year old. My professor keeps telling me to "embrace the wash." She is so lucky I haven't dumped the shit on her head yet! I am working on my final project right now. After that I have to put together my final portfolio. When I get it all finished I will post pictures like I did last quarter. Be aware these are not as good as the charcoal, and they show my struggles.

As far as the last post goes, what coffeepot said really resonated with me. If he wanted to call me he would. It was that simple. The whys of it all didn't really matter. The fact was he hadn't. But, just as I knew he would, he did end up calling. Three weeks ago. At three o'clock in the morning. He had an excuse, as always. Things really are going to shit for him. Just like we all knew they would. But, he blamed it all on other people or circumstances. He took no credit for his or her mistakes and bad choices. I had no sympathy for him at all. I listened to his whining for almost an hour before I couldn't take any more. By the time I finished telling him how immature and selfish he sounded, it wasn't hard to transition in to the "it's over" talk. All in all we talked for about an hour and a half. He was extremely pissed and "hurt." The whole thing has just left me in a bad mood. I haven't really processed it all yet. I'm not depressed over it. I don't really know how to explain what I feel. He was a real ass when we hung up. The last thing he said was, "I will talk to you sometime in the future." WTF? I just told him I was done! I should have known it wasn't going to be that easy. So, after all is said and done, I still have that fucking feeling of "waiting." This is one roller coaster ride I want off of.

February 2, 2008

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 23:59:00 +0000

I haven't written in here for a while. There has been a lot going on the last 2 months and I was trying to avoid a downer post. I gave up on that idea and thought maybe if I write it all out, I'll get over it!

On December 11 they admitted my best friend's mom to Hospice. She was having difficulty breathing. She has had numerous health problems and had even had bypass surgery about 15 years ago. She got to the point over the summer where she needed to be on oxygen. She had been feeling OK but had developed a cold and was having problems breathing. They admitted her to get her breathing under control. They said not to panic. Most people go to Hospice to die with dignity, but they assured the family that they were just trying to get her breathing better and she would be back home in a couple days. On January 22, after 6 weeks of laying in Hospice, struggling to breath, she passed away.

When she had been in there 4 days, everyone including her, was asking where I was at. I hadn't went to visit her. They had said she would be in there a couple of days and I was hoping to wait until she got home to go see her. By this time, however, it became apparent to all she was not going to leave this place. So, I broke down and went. On the way there I had to pull over. I think I experienced my first panic attack. I was crying, shaking uncontrollably, hyperventilating, and having chest pains. This person has been my closest and dearest friend for the last 25+ years. His mom has been like a mother to me and my kids even call her grandma. She was at my father's funeral, my wedding, the birth of both of my kids, birthdays, christmas, my grandma's funeral, my mom's funeral. All of the major, and even some of the minor, events in my life over the last 25 years. My friend has 6 brothers and sisters. I knew they were all going to be there. Looking to me for comfort and support. The whole way there I kept thinking what I was going to say to them all. This was my BEST friend and him and his family had been there for me. I had to be there for them. I honestly would have rather shot my foot off then go in that place.

As I drove, I thought of and discarded all of the usual things one says in such a situation. Most of them are basically bullshit. This was my best friend and he deserved more from me than just going in there and blowing smoke up his ass. He also lost his father at a young age and has had only his mother for the last 32 years. I knew how he was feeling. I also knew every emotion he is going to go through. I was not going to walk in there and tell him everything would be OK. The sad fact is that it won't. Nothing will ever be OK again. This will change his life. It will be something he feels, something that has been ripped from him, every single day from now on. His life will seriously never be the same again. There was no way I could walk in there and tell him that. He knows what I have went through. He knew how hard it was for me to go there. In the end, I walked in that room with all tears gone from my face and voice. I hugged each and every one of them. I told them all I loved them. I talked to and held his mom's hand. And I went back. Almost daily for 6 weeks. I never did find the right words to say to any of them. I didn't try. Maybe there are no words. I decided to just be there. To let my presence and love be shown. Even that was difficult for me. I am so sick and tired of watching people die. It is a horrible thing to go through. Once. I have now been through it 5 times. It seriously made me physically ill this time.

I almost lost it at the funeral. It was heartbreaking. As he stood up there, I saw him and just started crying. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and shield him from all of the pain I know is coming. All of the desperation and loneliness and longing he is going to feel that will never go away. It is going to become a part of his daily routine. There is always going to be something that is off, something that doesn't feel right. It is a horrid feeling and I wish with all my heart he didn't have to go through it. I am going to try to do what I can for him. I'm going to be here, of course, but I'm going to try to help him somehow. I don't know what my boundaries are. This has been difficult for me. Trying to be there for him and help sooth his pain, while at the same time, still in so much pain myself. We will just have to take it one day at a time and do our best to deal.

As if all of this wasn't enough, I broke down on another front too. Whenever thoughts of my mom come flooding back in, I want kindred spirit. I know. You're thinking,"My God she is a fucking idiot." I can't help it. He was there for me when all of the stuff with mom went down. Every single day he was there. I am not going to go so far as to say I couldn't have got through it without him, but I will say he is the main thing that got me through it all. He knows me. Really knows me. He was always there. With a shoulder, or a kiss, or a joke, or just quietly holding me. He knew the right thing to do at the right times, and I will always love him for that. When I feel myself being pulled back in to that nightmare I want him. To be there. To make it all go away. Since his marraige I have not been with him. I have talked to him. We decided to stay in touch and see how it went. He hasn't crossed the line with me one time. Once a month or so he calls. We catch up. Nothing deep and meaning, just what has been going on in eachother's lives. Maybe not the best idea in the world, but it works for me. Neither of us have been willing to cut the cord. I broke down and text him. It had been 5 weeks since I had talked to him, and 4 weeks of me going to Hospice. I was emotionally drained. I was physically sick. So, I did something I haven't done since before his wedding. I reached out to him. It wasn't a big deal text. I didn't say what I was feeling at the time or anything. Just something along the lines of how long it had been since we talked. A joke really. I tend to make smart ass comments instead of being emotional a lot of the times. Anyway, he never responded. I know I'm not "supposed" to text him or call him. I broke the rule. I didn't care at the time nor do I care now. I needed him. Only this time he wasn't there. Not only did he not text me back, he hasn't called me either. It has been 2 months since I have talked to him. We have never went this long before. I had been doing OK with the whole situation. I had stopped thinking about him constantly. Stopped feeling the ache in my heart all the time. Oh I still missed him and it would hit me at different times. But, not every day, all day long like before. Until 3 weeks ago when I broke down and went there. I am so mad at myself. I really had felt that the worst was over and I was on an uphill side of it all. Now I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Why he is not talking to me anymore. What has changed? Don't get me wrong. I know it is probably the best thing that could happen in this situation, but I want to know why. It is an annoying habit I have. Needing to know the reason for everything. I drive myself and others nuts with it. I always have. I also know there could be numerous reasons for it. I'm not sure I really care what the reason is as far as making a difference in anything. He has came to his point and that's fine. I want to know what got him to that point. One more conversation to say goodbye. I'm big on closure also. I think it is important in order to move on. Lord knows I am past ready to move on. The way this whole thing has went it would not suprise me if he just stops calling me. He has said he would never do that. He has said a lot though. I have been throwing around the idea of calling him. Telling him goodbye. Once again, I'm not sure if I should. One part of me says just leave it, but the other part of me, the part that knows me, knows I will never be able to just leave it. So, do I call him and end it on my terms, or do I wait for him to call me?

January 16, 2008

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:41:00 +0000

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

January 7, 2008

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:54:00 +0000

Classes start back up today, so unfortunately, I will be in class tonight when the game starts. I will, however, be wearing my lucky OSU jersey! Good Luck guys!

December 31, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 16:24:00 +0000

As many of you are doing, I have been spending this past week reflecting on the year that is almost over. I don't make resolutions. I do, however, try to recognise my mistakes and learn from them. I will be spending New Year's Eve as I always do. With my children, my sister and her kids, and my best friends. I love that my children are 18 and 16 yet they still want to be with me when the ball drops! They truly are the greatest blessings.

I must admit I am glad 2007 is finally over. It was the first year I spent without most of my family. As I look back most of it is kinda hazy. I did nothing monumental except get through it. I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and that God will not give me more than I can handle. Until he took my mom. He and I have had some problems since then. I honestly felt like he had made a mistake. It couldn't have been her time because I still really, really needed her every single day. I didn't think I would make it without her. Once again, he proved he was right and I was wrong. I did make it through, it just really sucked.

When I was 8 my paternal grandpa died. He lived in KY and I saw him maybe once a year. He was buried on his 94Th birthday. It was my first experience with death. I hate to say it didn't phase me much. I was young and he was old and I wasn't close to him at all. The next year, his wife died. It wasn't my paternal grandma, she had died years before I was born, it was his 3rd wife. All I remember about her is that the left side of her face was twice the size of her right. She had some type of cancer and it was like that from the first time I met her. Once again, I was not affected much at all. My first big blow came at the age of 13. My maternal grandpa died. He was the best! After he had a second stroke they found cancer. It was in his brain. They moved him from the hospital to a nursing home. The poor man lay there for almost 4 months. My parents were divorced by this time and my mother would work during most days and then we would go spend the evenings at the nursing home. We watched the cancer slowly eat at his body. His brain went long before his body gave up. When he died my family was ready. He had suffered so much and we had had our time to prepare and say goodbye. It was still heartbreaking for me. It took a while for me to understand the concept of death. Of never seeing the person again and what that meant to me.

On October 26, 1987 my whole life changed. I can honestly say I have never been the same since. I was talking to my dad on the phone, making plans for later that evening. I realized it was 4:30 and time for me to leave work. I told him I was going home, fixing dinner, and then I would be over. As soon as I walked in my door, at 4:50, my phone rang. My dad had a heart attack and I needed to get to the hospital. Turns out the paramedics had never been able to revive him and he was DOA. My rock, my security, the person who loved me best and unconditionally, was gone forever.

Since then, I have suffered through many, many deaths. All four of my dad's brothers have passed away. All four of my mom's brothers have passed away. Neither of them had any sisters. My 3-year old great nephew died in a house fire. My nephew committed suicide. Various cousins and friends. Then, my beloved grandma passed away. Two years later, my mom. My once huge family has now been reduced to a handful.

As I look to 2008 and think of the things I want for my life I keep bumping into the same roadblock. For me to deal with all of the loss, the nasty ass divorce I went through, the pain and loneliness, I have shut large parts of myself off. Any one who was in my heart up until the time my mom died is good. No one has came close since. I think that is why I clung to kindred spirit so much. But, I still haven't caved on that one and every day that goes by makes it that much easier. I'm afraid it is going to be easier to get someone out of my heart than it will be to let someone in. In order to start a new relationship, even a friendship, I will need to do that. But, how do I do it without all the pain flooding back in? Where do I start? I don't think I would be able to handle it. These are my questions for 2008. My issues to work through. I'm afraid this safe little box I have made for myself is where I will stay.

I hope every single one of you has a great New Year!! Stay safe.

December 22, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 17:50:00 +0000

This is an actual KFC sign in New York sent to me by my brother. This is funny no matter what side you are on!

December 16, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 01:51:00 +0000

Stay Video

Stay lyrics - Sugarland lyrics

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Sugarland Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

November 25, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 16:00:00 +0000

A couple years ago I had a second part-time job for one of the large department store chains. Throughout the year we were told not to forget to tell the customers, "Happy Valentines Day, Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving," etc. At Christmas, however, we were specifically told not to say, "Merry Christmas." We were, instead, directed to say, "Happy Holidays." The corporation was afraid we might offend someone if we used the word Christmas, and they might get sued. I was actually offended by all of this, and decided to use the words, "Merry Christmas" anyway.

This Sums it All Up

Twas the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings,

the teachers would say

December 25th

is just a 'Holiday'..

Yet the shoppers were ready

with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down to the floor

just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod ,

Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Potter and Fonda.

But as Target was hanging their trees upside down

At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears

You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, di-ver-si-ty

Are words that are used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate,

there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus,

in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word,

as they took away our faith

Forbidden to speak of

Salvation and Grace.

The true Gift of Christmas

was exchanged and discarded

The Reason for the Season,

stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break'

under your 'Holiday Tree'

While sipping your Starbucks,

listen to me.

Shout 'MERRY CHRISTMAS',

not Happy Holiday,

Our Country was founded

under the Christian way!

-Unknown

November 20, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 17:53:00 +0000

After opening numerous cards and emails extolling the traits one aquires as one gets older, I opened this one from my son. No old woman singing "Do Your Boobs Hang Low" while flipping her own over her shoulder and tying them in a bow! No list of "10 Ways To Tell You Are Getting Older!" Or, my favorite card so far,"You're not getting old"-open card-"You were old last year!" Getting older doesn't bother me. I like my life more the older I get. My 16 year old son gets that!

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

November 14, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 01:49:00 +0000

It's hard to believe but I am now down to 2 classes left of my first quarter of Drawing class. I finished my final earlier today. The final assignment was a life sized self portrait. Seriously! I have never done a drawing so large and I can tell you for a fact I never will again! It took forever - I'm talking more hours than it took for me to give birth! Another part of my final was to pick 5 of my best drawings and put together a portfolio. I had to write a final paper on my portfolio with a paragraph on each drawing. As promised, I took pictures of these drawings and I am posting them, along with the concept we were studying at the time. Keep in mind they are all charcoal drawings, so the pictures don't actually pick up all the different tones and subtlies. They will, however, give you a general idea of my drawings. I have no idea why the date stamp says 2006 lol I took the pictures yesterday.

The concept of negative space

Value and shading

Chiaroscuro

Live nude model

November 4, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 23:25:00 +0000

For my 10Th birthday I received one of the best presents in the world. As I have said before, I am the youngest of six children. There is a 14 year age gap between the oldest and I. I became an aunt when I was 6 and by the time I was 10 I was an aunt to 2 lovely nieces. My first nephew came on my 10Th birthday! That, of course, made him the most special. I have always been close with all 15 of my nieces and nephews but he holds a special place in my heart. Every year on our birthday he calls me and wishes me a happy birthday and I laugh and wish him one. Some we have spent together and some we have been a part, but always he calls. I have always been the go to person for all of them. I am close in age to a lot of them and that has always been to my advantage. It has allowed me to not only be an aunt to them, but a close friend and confidant as well. My birthday is in a few weeks and this year, as the past 2 years, it will be bittersweet for me. You see, 3 years ago come December, my first and specialist nephew took his own life. He was 30. He had so many things that had gone wrong in his short life. So many small things but when added together they seemed insurmountable to him. The night before he had came and visited me and we had talked. Nothing out of the ordinary, we did this at least once a week. He was depressed. He had been for a couple of years. Nothing terrible to throw up warning flags, just talked about regrets and wishes and what to do first to turn things back around. He said he didn't know why he was here because it seemed like all he did was fuck up and hurt people. I told him God had a reason and purpose for everyone and even if there was hurt, the love and happiness he brought far outweighed it. He had always been a bright shining presence. He lit up a room with his smile and his jokes and pranks. He was one of those people who you were always aware of when they were around. The next day he called me at work. I was busy so I didn't have a chance to talk to him. That night I was at home and his brother called me - not their mom nor their dad, but me - the sheriff was at his door and said they found my nephew's truck with him inside. He had shot himself in the head. "Is he OK? What hospital are they taking him to. I'll meet you there. Had he been hunting today? Is that why he had a gun with him? He knows how to use a gun I don't understand how something like this could happen. Just tell me the name of the hospital so I can leave." On and on I rambled, but I wasn't getting it. He had killed himself. My poor other nephew was trying his best to get me to understand.

I left after about 10 minutes and went to my mom's to tell her. I really didn't talk about it much. I still don't. There are so many emotions associated with such a tragedy. It is hard and takes a lot of time to sort them all out. The how could he get to that point when there are so many people who loved and wanted to help him. The why couldn't he just talk to me about it and let me try. The sad sad fact that he actually believed I would be better off without him in my life. I could go on and on. He left a note but it was in his truck with him and I could not and probably will not ever be able to stomach seeing it. I don't need to read it nor do I need to know what all it said. I know he loved me best. I know he never meant to hurt me. I felt kinda bad at his funeral because everyone was saying "Where is Darkness? How is Darkness handling all of it? They were so close." So, now I am the one who tells him happy birthday. I go to the cemetery every year and sit and talk to him. I go through all of what happened leading up to that point, the things I said, the things I didn't say, the hurt and anger and sadness I go through. That is how I spend my birthdays. It is how I want to. Talking to him. Just like always. He can't call me any more so I go to him.

Kindred spirit was here when I got the call. At this point in time we were still just really good friends. Had been for a couple of years. He helped me make sense of what was happening. Make sense of what my nephew was trying to tell me on the phone. He checked on me daily. Like I said, I don't usually talk about it and I really didn't talk to him much. He knew I was angry, that I was sad, that I was trying to imagine how it could feel to think the ones you loved and loved you would be better off without you. There was a piece of my heart gone that can never be replaced. But I didn't go beyond that. This is probably the one thing - other than my mom's death which occurred a year later - that I haven't gone in to detail with him about. Some things are just too raw and too private to say out loud to someone. Even kindred spirit. My birthday isn't for 16 more days and I usually don't go here until then. It is the one day I allow myself. Unfortunately, recent events has made it come too soon.

Kindred spirit called me about 5 weeks ago. He has pretty much left me alone as I asked him to. He said he values our friendship and me and doesn't want to hurt me. He said he would do whatever I ask him and hopes that will show me how much he loves me and respects my wishes. He still hopes that I will get to the point where one day we can be friends again. He needed to talk and turned to me because, honestly, and I am not trying to sound whoa is me, but there is not much a person could go through that I haven't already been through. He tells me his wife's mom had finally decided to leave her husband. She has talked about it and him for years and we all kinda knew it was coming. He went to their house along with her 2 brothers and moved his mother-in-laws stuff out. Hell, I guess they all but cleaned the house out. He gets a call from his father-in-laws brother a couple of days later and he asks kindred spirit to go check on him. It seems his father-in-law - who is actually his wife's step father - is suicidal. Kindred spirit and his wife go over there and are met with a life size suicide note written on the wall. The poor man is sitting there, in the one chair they had left him, holding a picture of his wife. He had taken a bottle of Tylenol PM and washed it down with a bottle of Jack. That was a couple days before this and he wasn't sure why it hadn't killed him but he wished it had. He then proceeded to tell them some of what had been going on. It seems the mother-in-law never told him she was leaving. Quite the opposite. She had called him and told him she wanted to talk and maybe get counseling and asked him what time he would be home. He told her only to come home that night to an empty house. There are other things that had happened that kindred spirit had found out in this talk with this man. He learned you only know what people want you to know and nothing more. He learned some people were accomplished liars and had a way of making you think they were victims. He was totally pissed and feeling guilty for his part in the whole thing. I guess her mom wanted more stuff out of the house and he told them both he wouldn't have any more part in it. I tried to explain his mother-in-laws point of view. I am divorced and it is not an easy thing. But he was having none of it. It was the way she had went about it, lying to him as well as her husband. He kept asking me if I had been married to someone for 17 years wouldn't I at least have the decency to tell them I was leaving? Telling my ex that I was filing for divorce was one of the hardest thing I have ever done, but I wouldn't have dreamt of just doing it and not saying anything. So, he had me there. He wanted to vent, to talk about his feelings, and he couldn't do that with his wife. He couldn't tell her that he was sickened by what she and her mom had told him all this time. Or that his opinion of her mom had changed. You don't tell your bride of only 2 months those things. You might not feel that way forever. He just needed to get it out there. We talked for over an hour about the situation. It is all we talked about. No us, no love, no nothing but that situation. This past Friday, 2 days ago, the poor man hung himself. His brother found him dead.

I haven't talked to kindred spirit yet. I can't tell you how bad I want to. I am an emotional mess. It has been a long road these last couple of months. It seems like they have taken years to pass by. I just take it one day at a time and try my best not to give in to the feelings I have. So far I have managed to be successful. I would like to think that I am getting over him, but I'm not going to kid myself. I still love and want him just as much. This new situation is making it too hard. I feel like I have to talk to him. I want to call him. I want to see him. I know what he is going through. I have been there. Plus, he will spend all his time taking care of others. His wife demands attention daily. It is always about her. Now, with this situation, she will not be able to breathe without him there to help her. I am not exaggerating. Her mother is the same. She learned it from her. Always the dramatic victim, even when there is no drama. He will spend his time listening and taking care of them. But who will listen to and take care of him? He won't ask for it. He will just do what is expected. He always has. As much as he likes being the hero, he does get tired some times. He just needs to be taken care of sometimes. That's where I have always came in. Plus, the whole thing scares me. I have told you she is unstable. Seriously needing help unstable. She is her mother's child. We have all watched her suck the life out of her husband, and now kindred spirit is married to her daughter and we have watched him change and be drained for almost 2 years. Is this going to be him in a few more years? So many things go through my mind. I want to see him and talk to him. I need to make sure he is OK. I need to tell him it will all be OK. But, I know I am not ready to see him. I will forget all of the last couple of months and just get lost in him if I see him. I know I will. This whole situation is too much for me. It brings up too many emotions. Emotions with my nephew and kindred spirit. I don't know what I will do. I'm afraid I will call him and see him. It's what I want more than anything right now.

October 14, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 18:14:00 +0000

I was in class on Wednesday and we were critiquing all of our portfolio's as part of our mid-term. A really cute guy in this class has been openly flirting with me since day one. I must admit I have enjoyed it tremendously and flirted right back. As you know, I have been in a horrid mood over kindred spirit (who called AGAIN Friday) and this was a fun distraction. So, as someone else was talking on Wednesday night, cute guy leans over and asks me am I going to this opening at the Art Institute in 2 weeks. It is not part of our grade but the instructor encourages us to attend these things as extra learning for the class. I really hadn't thought about it as work as been extremely busy and my social time has been sucked up by this upcoming audit. I told him I wasn't sure and he leaned closer and whispered, "if you do decide to go how about we get a drink after?" I was completely taken by surprise! I thought it had all been just harmless, being bored flirting. I never thought he would ask me out. I mumbled something like I would let him know and then joined the discussion on the art work in front of us. Normally, with the mood I have been in, I would have immediately accepted. The problem I am facing, however is this - he is quite a bit younger than I am. I have always attracted younger men for some reason. I really don't have a problem with age. For me, it has always came down to how the other person and I relate. Last time I had a relationship with some one younger(kindred spirit), the fact that I had already done the wife and kid part of my life was the problem. I know that by going and having a drink it does not mean I am going to fall in love and have to deal with all the age difference problems that can come up. My hesitancy is he is markedly younger than I am. So, the question I am throwing out there is how young is too young?

October 9, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 13:34:00 +0000

Things have been pretty crazy the last few weeks. I have been getting ready for an audit at work and school has been kicking my ass! I am taking a drawing class two nights a week. The classes are three hours long! Since I haven't drawn in so many years it has taken me a bit to get back in the habit, but I must admit I am having tons of fun with it. Mid-terms are this week so I have been busting butt to get it all done and I'm really happy with the way my piece's have turned out. I might post a picture of one of them sometime.

Do you remember when you were 18 and graduated from High School and were an "adult?" You knew everything there was to know and you couldn't wait til you moved out so you could live "your own life?" Yeah, that is where L is right now! Help!

On the other hand, do you remember when you were 16? Hormones were raging and the last person you wanted to "talk" about things with was your Mom? That is where J is right now. He has always been a mommas boy =] but things they are a changin! He is very busy with school. He has a very difficult class load this year; Honors Trig, Honors Pre Calc, Honors English, Honors History, Spanish III, and Sports Medicine. He is only a Junior! Plus, he has a girlfriend. Which, he usually does but this time it's different. I think he really really likes her! They have been dating for about four months now. It's cute to watch! We still talk, but we don't talk about him. I can tell you any thing you want to know about his friends and such, but when it comes to J ...nothing. It's really bugging me. L didn't do this. She has always told me everything, and by that I mean EVERYTHING! I don't need that much information lol but some would be nice. He is still my baby and can make me laugh like no other. It's just that when we do spend time, just the two of us, there are awkward silences now. It's weird.

As far as kindred spirit goes, nothing new really. He has called again, and I was thankfully busy so I cut the conversation very short. I ran into him at a place we hang out. I don't know if it was an accident or not. He knew I would be there since it was the first Tuesday of the month. I spoke to him for a few minutes, but then he was interrupted by the wife calling and got all guilty looking and walked away from our table. Just more of the same shit. It really was so good to see him. I have really missed seeing his face. It was good that she called and he acted the way he did. That part helped. This whole thing is just HARD. But seriously, what kind of man dates a girl for a year and a half, cheats the whole time he's with her, then gets married with the intention to keep cheating? On the other hand, what kind of woman cheats with him? Ugh!

On a side note, I shall be listening to fellow blogger rwa tonight while I sketch(homework!). He has a new blog radio show at 7:30 EST. He had problems last week as it was his first broadcast - unfortunately it never happened. He has all the kinks worked out now so if you get the chance you should check it out. All the information and links are on his page.

September 22, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 15:21:00 +0000

When will I stop thinking about him all the time? I am so tired of it. I try to stop my mind from going there I really do. It would be nice to wake up in the morning, have my coffee, and get my bearings for at least an hour before thoughts of him start taking over. It has been 2 weeks since our last talk. I have not went and met him. I am kinda proud of that. Especially considering I think about doing it everyday. I talk myself out of it. I try to remind myself all that has happened and how more often than not it has been a source of frustration and sadness for me. If my mind would just go back over the last few months and leave it at that I would be fine. But I tend to think back over the years we have known each other and the memories are too hard to keep down. I realize it takes time. I just want the time to pass more quickly. I am sick of this taking control of my thoughts, my emotions, hell my life.

All that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

September 20, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 01:32:00 +0000

I love music. All kinds. I am still the person who will sit in her car while parked in the driveway to finish the song on the radio. Even though chances are I have the CD. I listen to music every day. I am probably one of the few Mom's whose children complain and say, "Do you have to listen to it so loud Mom?" Needless to say, my children have grown up listening to music and have acquired their own love of it. One of the local radio stations has a rock festival every year at the fairgrounds. Ten bands for $20. I started taking my kids a few years ago. They liked the bands that were going to be there but I was afraid of all the people and since we do things together all the time I figured I'd go so they could too. We all loved it. Although I listen to all types of music depending on my mood, I must admit rock is my favorite. They sell out every year which means there are 25,000 people there. We make sure we stay back far enough that we won't get stuck in a mosh pit, but the occasional crowd surfer usually manages to get flung overhead! This year's concert was last Sunday, so we packed two car loads of people and headed off to the fairgrounds. I was pretty excited because a few of the bands that were going to be there I really liked - Three Days Grace, Chevelle, Breaking Benjamin, Seether, and Finger Eleven. Big enough to have a couple Cd's out, but not big enough to make tickets difficult to get. My daughter met up with a ton of friends there. She is 18 now and a lot of her friends are older. I did not make her stay right with me this year as I am really trying to let her have some freedom to make SOME of her own choices! It is so hard! I must admit it made me more than a little nervous. She was with more than a few big boys though so that helped calm me. Actually, most of the time she and her gang hung with me anyway. It was during Chevelle, the next to last band, and one of my absolute favorites, that the text came. "Mommy I just got kicked in the head by this big guy! It hurts really bad! Jason took me to the Medics tent! Get here!" My son and I made our way through the crowd to the tent where she was. As we walked in I saw her sitting in the back. She had a couple scrapes down the left side of her face and it was already swollen. As a parent you tend to think if you are with them you can protect them. After all, isn't that a parents job? To protect their children from harm? I felt terrible. The "if I had only's" started running through my mind. As I got to her I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a big hug. The Dr. came over and asked was I her Mother. I told him yes, and he told me he thought she needed to be seen in the ER. I told him OK and asked her what had happened. She said they were standing pretty much to the side of the crowd when out of the blue came a crowd surfer. She said there were only a couple of them standing there and they weren't standing close together. So when someone threw this guy(crowd surfer) in their direction, there were not a bunch of people there to keep him going. The guy basically was thrown on L. He came at her, feet first, kicked her in the temple, she went down and so did he, practically on top of her. She blacked out for a second or so and then they were lifting her up asking her if she was OK. She said her head hurt, her neck and shoulders hurt, and it scared her. She was also shaking. Luckily one of the hospitals here is right across the street from where we were. She tried to stand up because she said it was silly for her to ride the ambulance across the street, she would just walk. She stood up, swayed a little, took one stumbling step, and I caught her. The Dr. and I looked at each other and told her at the same time she was going to have to ride over there. We got her on the golf cart type thing they had to take her across the fairgrounds to where the ambulances were parked. I told her I would walk across the street and be there waiting for her. She wanted me to ride in the ambulance but they have a strict policy against that. I told her I would probably beat her over there. When she realized I was not going to be right next to her in the ambulance she finally broke down. The tears came and she just kept saying "Mommy don't leave me." I looked down at her and all I saw was my little girl. It really sucked. I just kept telling her that I would be there when she got there and not to worry. I could tell the medics were getting pissed and wanted to leave but I didn't care. I hate it when one of my children are scared. I calmed her down and they took off. By this time the rest of the 9 people who had rode there with us where standing there trying to find out what had happened. I explained it all to them and told them I thought she was OK but we were going to check just to make sure. Chevelle was still playing and after them Three Days Grace was coming on and it would be at least an hour and a half before the concert was over. I told them they could all just stay and watch the show. I knew it would take a long time in the ER. I was explaining all of this to them as I walked across the fairgrounds heading to the front entrance. I heard one of them say they were going with us. I said OK or whatever you want to do or something. I'm not sure, I was focused on getting to the hospital before L did. While I was standing at the corner waiting for the walk signal to change I noticed that there were more than just me and my son standing there. By the time I had walked across the street and up the drive at the hospital's front entrance I had looked around me. Every single person that had rode with us had left the concert! I thought that was really sweet. Especially considering they save the best bands for last. I met L over there and we went in. I was really surprised at how fast things went. Within a half an hour they had her back getting a cat scan of her head and shoulders and spine. I went out in the waiting room to tell them what was going on and I was shocked. Not only had the ones who rode with us left the concert, most all of L's friends she had met up with had left and were now taking over the waiting area. Over two dozen kids ran up to me shouting Mom how is she?! It made my heart just melt. I told them she was getting a cat scan and we would know soon. When she got back in her room I told her everyone that was there. It made her feel very good. About a half hour later, the Dr. and the radiologist came in her room. She had suffered a concussion, but no bones were fractured. Thank God. They were a little concerned with what they saw on her cat scan though. L had surgery when she was younger - which is a story for another time - and they had seen evidence of it on her scan. I assured them everything was fine and went into the details of the surgery. It was at this point, while I was standing in that little room, talking to these Dr.'s about L's history that it hit me. I hate hospitals and ever since I had been sitting there I kept smelling something that was making my stomach turn. I finally identified the smell. It was the smell of pot and it was emanating from me! I had stood in that crowd all day and half the night while people all around me were getting high. I didn't think anything about it at the time. I am used to it from all the concerts I go to. I do not particularly like the smell and I like it even less when it is coming from my hair and clothes. If I could smell it after being around it all day I'm sure the Dr.'s could! For some reason, that embarrassed me. I'm not sure why. I don't smoke it. I tried it a couple times when I was young, but I didn't like it so I never did it again. But here I was in my daughters room of the ER reeking of it. I bet they thought I smoke it. Oh well, you can't help what people think! They gave her some pain meds and told me to watch her and follow up with our regular Dr. We did and she checked out fine. She has some abrasions on her face still, and she's a little sore, but all is well.

September 12, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 14:24:00 +0000

I got the phone call I had been dreading on Saturday. Three weeks to the day from his wedding, kindred spirit wanted to see me. He started out the conversation apologizing like always. I just kinda blew it off. Then we caught up on all that has been going on. It was a pleasant conversation between friends. Unfortunately, he didn't leave it at that. I was shocked that he brought the stuff up. It was like we hadn't had the conversations before the wedding. I was also pissed. I surprised myself actually. I have been in a horrible mood. Sad one minute and mad the next. I guess it is all just part of the process of letting him go. I have come farther than I thought. When he started with the I miss yous I shut him down real quick. As bad as these past weeks have been, I refuse to go back there. So, I once again explained to him that even though I have acted on my feelings in the past with him, I am not doing it again. He can call and catch up if he wants, but that is as far as I go. So yay me right? Nope. I don't feel great about it. I mean shouldn't I be happy that I am standing up for myself? Shouldn't I be proud that I am being strong and not giving in this time? Isn't this my first big step towards a brighter tomorrow? Then why do I feel like shit? Why am I so mad? Why am I not jumping up and down? I thought I would feel better than this. He ended the conversation telling me he had found a new place to work out. It is by their apartment and he is there every morning at 6. He told me how to get there and asked me to stop by and see him. I told him no. He said he would look for me any way just in case I ever change my mind. So, now that I am not seeing him, he tells me a way I can whenever I want. Ugh!

September 4, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 21:45:00 +0000

"Over And Over"

I feel it everyday it's all the same

It brings me down but I'm the one to blame

I've tried everything to get away

So here I go again

Chasing you down again

Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over

I fall for you

Over and over, over and over

I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same

It's dragging me down and I can't pull away

So here I go again

Chasing you down again

Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over

I fall for you

Over and over, over and over

I try not to

Over and over, over and over

You make me fall for you

Over and over, over and over

You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head

I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead

I know what's best for me

But I want you instead

I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over

I fall for you

Over and over, over and over

I try not to

Over and over, over and over

You make me fall for you

Over and over, over and over

You don't even try to

September 2, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 21:03:00 +0000

I've tried a couple times to update since my last post but it hasn't worked for me. I have tried writing in my journal also. Each attempt leaves me staring at a blank page. I start crying or get mad or both. I don't know how to get these feelings out. I have been just sort of going through the motions for the last 2 weeks. I need to pull it together. I know this. I’m just not sure how to get there.

August 20, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 15:16:00 +0000

While looking at my daughters Myspace profile this morning, I found something that really touched my heart. Thought I would share....

Heroes
my mother. she has shown me that u can go through so much and still have to keep a good head on your shoulders and keep your prioritys straight. she raised me and my brother all on her own and i know it was a struggle for her but she still did all she could for us. we had food on the table every night for dinner and still got to play our sports. she took up a second job just so we could do all the things we love because she loves us so much. i just hope one day i can be as good of a mother as she has been to me my whole life.

August 18, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 20:11:00 +0000

I struggled all day yesterday trying to make a decision. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a strong person and do what I knew was right. For me. Unfortunately, he has a way of making my resolutions go right out the window. So, basically, I had made a decision knowing there was room for negotiation. I hate hurting people. Even if it is just a hurt feeling that will go away in no time, it just seems like the wrong thing to do. I try not to. Last night, though, I was in self-preservation mode. If you think about it, asking to spend time with me the night before the wedding is not fair. It's bullshit actually. I realize I have been one of those people I had always detested, but that was asking alot from me I think. I have to be able to live with myself. On the one hand, the perfect goodbye. . . On the other hand, it's just sick! So, I decided I wasn't going to see him. I would talk to him on the phone when he called and try not to let him talk me in to going over there. There were many things I wanted to say to him. This would be the last time I could talk to him as "us". Everything will change, for me anyway, after the wedding. It was a very busy night around my house. Things going on with my kids and family. By the time I got my shower, settled in for the evening, and started wondering when he was going to call, it was after midnight. When I looked at the clock and noticed the time, it hit me right away. . . this isn't the night before the wedding any longer, this is his wedding day! No way was I going to spend time with him only hours before he married someone else. This made things much much easier. As much as I love this man, and believe me it is beyond my expression, there was not a chance in hell I was going to be with him on his wedding day. Once again, I went over what I wanted to say. I adjusted part of the conversation to deal with this new development and my now non-negotiable plans. I felt better because I was in control of myself now. I knew nothing he said could make me cave. I had been thinking about it all week. What I wanted and needed to say to him. I realized I had been unconsciously preparing myself for this exact night for the past year. I have known it was coming and I have been dreading it. We have purposely avoided talking about it because we both knew this night would come. Tonight. A time when it could not and would not be avoided any more. There were so many thoughts and feelings rushing around inside me. I was shaking just thinking about it. It was pretty overwhelming. I felt about half sick. When I woke up this morning my first thought was "I can't believe this." You see, I had fallen asleep waiting for him to call. He never did. I told you he is the master of avoidance. Once again he took control of what I was going to do and what I was going to say completely away from me. It's as if he has this sixth sense. Like he knows exactly when I am ready to just snap and say fuck it all. I never get to talk to him at these times. He will wait. And wait. And wait. Until I am missing him terribly. Then he will call. Apologize first thing about how he hasn't been able to call. He will make it a fast and funny conversation. Blowing back in like the wind. Always short and sweet with promises of a longer one in a few days. Then he will call again. By this time, I have gone through every emotion possible and am glad that I can just talk to him finally. And so it begins again....always....

As I write this, he is standing in a church with her, in front of friends and family, vowing to always love, honor, cherish, be faithful, and never leave. I am sitting here feeling this unbearable pain in my heart. . .

August 15, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 03:42:00 +0000

I love to draw. I always have. We first learned I had the ability in the first grade. My homework assignment was to draw our state bird. So I sat down with a picture and drew a cardinal. You could actually tell what it was when I was finished! My parents, of course, made me feel like I had just painted the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel. I drew from then on. From Elementary School through High School I took all the Art classes I could. Until my Junior year. I believe I received an incomplete that year. Boys, partying, and all the typical High School things took over that year! I still had a sketch pad and pencils around. For years they were a part of me. For some reason, after I got married, I quit. I've thought about it on and off through the years, watching my children grow, seeing a beautiful sun set, the look in a stranger's eyes, and I think to myself how awesome it would be if I still drew. While we were packing up the things in Mom's attic I found my portfolio and a couple canvases on which I had started some oil paintings. I threw out the half finished paintings and brought the portfolio home. Eventually the kids talked me in to going through it. We spent over an hour looking at the filled pages in sketch book after sketch book. The chalk drawings, the charcoals, the pen and ink. All of it. I had done a pen and ink drawing with a watercolor wash for my Mom which she had hung in her house for years, so my kids knew i could draw. They had just never seen anything besides that one before. I packed everything back in its place and put it away in my attic. But it started me thinking again. At the beginning of this year I went out and bought some new supplies. There have been so many things going through my head and it would be very therapeutic for me to get them out on paper. But could I still do it? I haven't even attempted to draw anything in at least 20 years! For some reason this has become a big deal to me now. I should have just opened up the pad and started moving a pencil around on it. But no, that would be too easy for me! So, instead, I have sat and stared at it for 7 months now, wondering, can I still do it? Will people freak when they see what's been going on in my head? The images I have? The darkness and the anger that has been just below the surface for more than a year now? I decided I am going to take a class at the local community college. I am sure I have forgotten more than I remember. I signed up for the Drawing I class tonight. I figure why not start at the beginning and see what's there.

On another note, kindred spirit has been calling alot. She's busy with the last minute details for their wedding and he has had much more free time. I feel sorry for him in a way because she had one of her episodes on his grandparents and said some disrespectful shit no one should ever say to an elder. His whole family is now against this marriage. It happened right before they moved in together and he has been at war with his family ever since. His mom has backed off because she is afraid she will never see him once they get married if she didn't. He has always been extremely close with his family. His mom has one sister and her and her sisters children are always at her parents house. Even now, when they are grown, they still meet at the grandparents house weekly. He goes to his mom's house at least 3 times a week to visit her and his sister. Their attitude about the wedding has slowly changed over the past year. I was hoping...well, alot of things, but mainly that they could all work it out. Unfortunately, it has only gotten worse. It is a touchy subject for us, but one which we broach if needed. He has talked about his family and particularly his mom. He hates fighting with her. He has been having nightmares again. Dreams in which bad things happen to his mom and her last thought is always "I wish my son didn't hate me." He has needed to talk. There is one important fact about kindred spirit that I have not mentioned. He is younger than I am. A good 8 years younger. We are at different stages in our lives. He has never been married and wants children. I am divorced and have the only 2 children I am going to have. I have never talked about our age difference because the only time it comes up is in talking about where we are at now and what we want in the future. It should help explain why things would never work out for us. Why we find ourselves in the position we are in. Anyway, he understands that I have a line that I absolutely will not cross. He says he will respect that. But, he wants to still keep in touch. Can he still call and catch up with me? Can we still be friends? Still turn to each other? I told him I wasn't sure about it and we would just have to see. I feel that if I still "keep in touch" with him it will just make things harder. For me. The saying goes from friends to lovers to strangers, not from friends to lovers to friends again. If, and that is a huge if, I decide to try to remain friends, the rules are changing. I will not keep it a secret. Mutual friend and everyone else who asks will know we talk. It will have to be a "normal" friendship. I just don't see that happening. I will deal with that when it comes up, for now, I have a more pressing decision to make. He asked if I would see him Friday night. It is the night before the wedding so he will be alone and it will be our last chance to be together and say goodbye. I seriously don't know if it will help or just make it hurt more.

August 10, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 05:56:00 +0000

God! Life sucks so bad sometimes. It had been a couple weeks since I last spent time or talked to kindred spirit. A long, long 2 weeks for me. He gets married next weekend. So much has been going through my mind. I have been an emotional roller coaster that never stops. He had some free time tonight and called. To catch you up .....they have moved into their new apartment. About six weeks ago. He no longer lives less than 10 minutes away. Plus, she is always there now. Her brother and his girlfriend live there too. So the time spent with him has been less than it was before the move. He's managed to call and also to see me a few times. A couple of weeks ago, when we were together, it was very emotional. He called first and asked could I meet him. I said yes. He then asked me did I love him. As I said in my previous posts, we haven't said those words since the fight last August. I told him yes I did and he asked me to say it. I was like what? Honestly I was a little confused. Of course I love him. Why else would I even remotely be doing what I am with him. He said he wanted to hear me say the words, so I told him I love you. He told me he loved me too. Asked if I missed him. I said yes, and he said he missed me too. The conversation went on like that for about 10 minutes and then we got off the phone and met. As I walked up to him he just grabbed me and started kissing me. The time we had, which was only about an hour and a half, was spent kissing, touching, looking in to each others eyes, and saying all the things we haven't said in a long long time. It was a very special night. I love being with him. It is so different than anyone I have ever been with. Since we started our relationship back up last October though, we have used our bodies and our eyes and touch, etc. to express the things we didn't dare say anymore. Until this time. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love this man. It took me a few days to come back down to earth after that night. Once I did though I realized his wedding was in 3 weeks. So, for the last 2 weeks I have been thinking about what that means. As bad as I hate it, marriage means alot to me.

I know that I love him. Alot. I really am in love with him. I honestly just want him to be happy. I want his marriage to work and them both to change and have a good life. I am fine with only talking to him every once in a while and catching up. I really am. I don't have to be with him if he can make a commitment and be the right kind of husband. Cheating while he has a girlfriend is one thing, but once he's married I can't do that. I feel like the marriage is a bomb waiting to explode and I don't want to be a part of the fireworks. I don't want to be a reason it doesn't work. I can't be a part of that. I owe him that. That's how much I love him. I want to be with him more than words can say, but I can't do it knowing it will take away from him. And that's what it would do. Whether he realizes it or not. It makes me cry every time I think about it because I want to be a part of him. More than anyone. It is the part of my life I like the most, the part I look forward to daily. It is so freeing, and raw, and just emotion. Honestly, I think he loves me just as much and in a better way than he loves her. We are honest with each other to a fault. We fight sometimes, but we always know where the other stands. It's not a normal relationship - we have no rules - so it's easy to be who you really are. He called tonight just to talk. To catch up on things and let me know he thinks about me all the time. I told him I think about him also, and in all honesty, probably too much. I asked him if he realizes he is getting married in a week and has he thought about what effect that is going to have on us. I told him that he is going to stand up there and say his vows and that moves this thing we have to a whole new level. I have been married and I know how hard it is. Even when you are in love with only your partner, even when you go in to it thinking "this is forever." Even when you try everything in your power to keep it together. It changes things. It changes the whole dynamics of the relationship. The two little words.."I do." I can't explain it. If you've never been married you will not understand what I am talking about. But, anyone who tells you love is all it takes is dead wrong. I can hardly stand cheating with kindred spirit. I have never done it before, nor will I ever allow myself to do it again. It is hard. It hurts. I think I can only stand myself because I use the excuse that I love him, that he is not married, and that situations can always change. Next weekend it is really going to change. So, I told him tonight that I am done. I take marriage seriously and that I take his vows seriously. I just can't do it. He was a little surprised, but he knows me, really knows me, and I think he knew it was coming. I think that is what the last time we were together was all about. Why he wanted to hear me say the words. Over and over. Even though it is going to be one of the hardest things I have done, I think we both will respect me more. His happiness means everything to me and I don't know how else to give it to him. Life seriously sucks! This is the second time I have had to break my own heart. I really really want one last kiss....

July 31, 2007

noreply@blogger.com (When Darkness Falls...) — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 15:08:00 +0000

If I were to go see a professional and tell him/her about my relationships with the men in my life I know exactly how I would be diagnosed. It would be something like..."It seems to me you chose men who you already know are unavailable. If they cannot give you all of themselves then you will not have to open up and give them all of you. It is a defense mechanism. A way to protect your heart. A way to allow yourself to have a relationship yet not get hurt". Sounds good in theory but in reality it is not true. I get hurt. I am hurt.

When things started with boyfriend/boss that may have been the unintentional theory going around in my head. I had just came out of a fifteen year relationship. Five years dating and ten years married. I can honestly tell you I tried everything I could think of to make it work. I fell head over heels in love with my ex-husband. I loved him with all of my heart and I love him to this day. I don't like him much lol but I love him. I was young, unhurt, and totally vulnerable. I gave him all of my heart and myself. I changed myself, my friends, my whole life, to make him happy. I devoted my whole being on making a life with him and keeping him content. When it all blew up in my face I was devastated. I am the one who decided to get divorced. I am the one who saw the lawyer and filed the papers. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. It hurt like nothing else. This was my life. It had been built around my marriage. My husband. All my hopes and dreams and future plans included the two of us. When I signed those papers I destroyed it all. I destroyed myself. I do not regret getting divorced. I needed to do it for my health. For the health of my kids. Looking back I cannot believe I lived that way but I have always resisted change. The divorce was more than a little change. It was a complete transformation of my life. It has been a difficult road but one I would not trade. It took me a year and a half to obtain the divorce. My ex did not want it and fought me until the end. He also stayed in our house the whole time. It was very strenuous on me. It was during this time the tone of my relationship with boyfriend/boss changed. I was scared to death and unsure of myself and my future. He had been a good friend for over ten years by this point. I trusted him. I talked to him about it all. He was always there for me. He was a shoulder to cry on, a caring listener, a helping hand, he gave it all to me. Security, support, love. I came to depend on him. He became my best friend and my lover. And, my secret. As I said in an earlier post, we felt we needed to keep our relationship from everyone for a zillion reasons. Ten years later we are still keeping it a secret. I am sure there are many who suspect, but no one knows for sure. There have been a few times over the years where I wanted it to be public. We have discussed it and quite frankly he is the one who has maintained it should stay the way it is. I'm not sure if it was transference but I fell in love with him. Once again, having learned nothing from my failed marriage, I let him become almost my whole world. I say almost because I have been able to maintain a slight semblance of control over my life. There are some things, especially my kids, that no one will have control over again - ever. It is more like my life is wrapped around him. He controls my time, my finances, tries to control my friends and free time, all by being my boss and my lover. "You shouldn't get to close to this person or that person. What if they start to ask questions about us"? About two years ago he started getting on my nerves. He has started acting like he is the only person I should ever want to be with or talk to. He asks my kids questions about what we do and who is at my house. He goes through my cell phone. The caller ID on my home phone. He even went so far as to get copies of my cell phone records and go through my computer at home. He was totally losing it and I just wanted him gone. Enter kindred spirit. We had been friends for a couple years by this time. Things just developed. Boyfriend/boss found a few pictures of him on my cell phone and went crazy. Literally. They were nothing sexual or anything like that. Just a few head shots. Him making silly faces or wearing a silly hat or a Rudolph nose. Just silly things like that. Why do I have them on my cell phone? Why couldn't I just look at them and get rid of them? Why is he so important to me that I have to talk to him and keep pictures? I am not kidding when I said boyfriend/boss went crazy. He yelled, he cried, he yelled again. He held my cell phone out to me and demanded I erase the pictures. It went on for hours and hours. I was seriously starting to question his sanity by the time he left. He called me about an hour later and told me something completely disturbing. Even though I had erased the pictures he wanted me to remember - always - how important they were to me. So, he had taken his knife, heated it up, and branded himself on his bicep. Four times. One for each picture I had. I am not kidding. To this day he has four scars, just one line after the other across his bicep to remind me. My life became scary to me. One night, while talking to kindred spirit on the phone, I broke down and told him all about boyfriend/boss. That's when I started talking to kindred spirit more and more. You know the rest of the story with kindred spirit. If not then read the older posts!

I find myself in this relationship with boyfriend/boss that I do not want. Do not get me wrong. I love him. He is still one of my best friends. He loves me and would do anything for me and I depend on him for so much. I don't understand why he feels he must control me and my life. I am not his wife. It has been his decision to keep it this way. Needless to say, the whole dynamics of our relationship have changed over the past two years. The more controlling he has become the more he has decided that he loves me. It is a sick game. One I am sick of playing. He wants ALL of me. Yet he doesn't give me all of him. Quite honestly, I don't want it anymore. Yet, here I am daily, playing along. I have tried to end it. I really have. The past two years have been really rough. He knows and feels that things are different with me. This just makes him try to control me more. We have literally ended it a couple times. It only lasts for a few days though because we must see and deal with each other constantly at work or because of work. Having a history with someone is a hard thing to overcome.