As many of you are doing, I have been spending this past week reflecting on the year that is almost over. I don't make resolutions. I do, however, try to recognise my mistakes and learn from them. I will be spending New Year's Eve as I always do. With my children, my sister and her kids, and my best friends. I love that my children are 18 and 16 yet they still want to be with me when the ball drops! They truly are the greatest blessings.
I must admit I am glad 2007 is finally over. It was the first year I spent without most of my family. As I look back most of it is kinda hazy. I did nothing monumental except get through it. I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and that God will not give me more than I can handle. Until he took my mom. He and I have had some problems since then. I honestly felt like he had made a mistake. It couldn't have been her time because I still really, really needed her every single day. I didn't think I would make it without her. Once again, he proved he was right and I was wrong. I did make it through, it just really sucked.
When I was 8 my paternal grandpa died. He lived in KY and I saw him maybe once a year. He was buried on his 94Th birthday. It was my first experience with death. I hate to say it didn't phase me much. I was young and he was old and I wasn't close to him at all. The next year, his wife died. It wasn't my paternal grandma, she had died years before I was born, it was his 3rd wife. All I remember about her is that the left side of her face was twice the size of her right. She had some type of cancer and it was like that from the first time I met her. Once again, I was not affected much at all. My first big blow came at the age of 13. My maternal grandpa died. He was the best! After he had a second stroke they found cancer. It was in his brain. They moved him from the hospital to a nursing home. The poor man lay there for almost 4 months. My parents were divorced by this time and my mother would work during most days and then we would go spend the evenings at the nursing home. We watched the cancer slowly eat at his body. His brain went long before his body gave up. When he died my family was ready. He had suffered so much and we had had our time to prepare and say goodbye. It was still heartbreaking for me. It took a while for me to understand the concept of death. Of never seeing the person again and what that meant to me.
On October 26, 1987 my whole life changed. I can honestly say I have never been the same since. I was talking to my dad on the phone, making plans for later that evening. I realized it was 4:30 and time for me to leave work. I told him I was going home, fixing dinner, and then I would be over. As soon as I walked in my door, at 4:50, my phone rang. My dad had a heart attack and I needed to get to the hospital. Turns out the paramedics had never been able to revive him and he was DOA. My rock, my security, the person who loved me best and unconditionally, was gone forever.
Since then, I have suffered through many, many deaths. All four of my dad's brothers have passed away. All four of my mom's brothers have passed away. Neither of them had any sisters. My 3-year old great nephew died in a house fire. My nephew committed suicide. Various cousins and friends. Then, my beloved grandma passed away. Two years later, my mom. My once huge family has now been reduced to a handful.
As I look to 2008 and think of the things I want for my life I keep bumping into the same roadblock. For me to deal with all of the loss, the nasty ass divorce I went through, the pain and loneliness, I have shut large parts of myself off. Any one who was in my heart up until the time my mom died is good. No one has came close since. I think that is why I clung to kindred spirit so much. But, I still haven't caved on that one and every day that goes by makes it that much easier. I'm afraid it is going to be easier to get someone out of my heart than it will be to let someone in. In order to start a new relationship, even a friendship, I will need to do that. But, how do I do it without all the pain flooding back in? Where do I start? I don't think I would be able to handle it. These are my questions for 2008. My issues to work through. I'm afraid this safe little box I have made for myself is where I will stay.
I hope every single one of you has a great New Year!! Stay safe.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
December 22, 2007
This is an actual KFC sign in New York sent to me by my brother. This is funny no matter what side you are on!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
