As many of you are doing, I have been spending this past week reflecting on the year that is almost over. I don't make resolutions. I do, however, try to recognise my mistakes and learn from them. I will be spending New Year's Eve as I always do. With my children, my sister and her kids, and my best friends. I love that my children are 18 and 16 yet they still want to be with me when the ball drops! They truly are the greatest blessings.
I must admit I am glad 2007 is finally over. It was the first year I spent without most of my family. As I look back most of it is kinda hazy. I did nothing monumental except get through it. I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and that God will not give me more than I can handle. Until he took my mom. He and I have had some problems since then. I honestly felt like he had made a mistake. It couldn't have been her time because I still really, really needed her every single day. I didn't think I would make it without her. Once again, he proved he was right and I was wrong. I did make it through, it just really sucked.
When I was 8 my paternal grandpa died. He lived in KY and I saw him maybe once a year. He was buried on his 94Th birthday. It was my first experience with death. I hate to say it didn't phase me much. I was young and he was old and I wasn't close to him at all. The next year, his wife died. It wasn't my paternal grandma, she had died years before I was born, it was his 3rd wife. All I remember about her is that the left side of her face was twice the size of her right. She had some type of cancer and it was like that from the first time I met her. Once again, I was not affected much at all. My first big blow came at the age of 13. My maternal grandpa died. He was the best! After he had a second stroke they found cancer. It was in his brain. They moved him from the hospital to a nursing home. The poor man lay there for almost 4 months. My parents were divorced by this time and my mother would work during most days and then we would go spend the evenings at the nursing home. We watched the cancer slowly eat at his body. His brain went long before his body gave up. When he died my family was ready. He had suffered so much and we had had our time to prepare and say goodbye. It was still heartbreaking for me. It took a while for me to understand the concept of death. Of never seeing the person again and what that meant to me.
On October 26, 1987 my whole life changed. I can honestly say I have never been the same since. I was talking to my dad on the phone, making plans for later that evening. I realized it was 4:30 and time for me to leave work. I told him I was going home, fixing dinner, and then I would be over. As soon as I walked in my door, at 4:50, my phone rang. My dad had a heart attack and I needed to get to the hospital. Turns out the paramedics had never been able to revive him and he was DOA. My rock, my security, the person who loved me best and unconditionally, was gone forever.
Since then, I have suffered through many, many deaths. All four of my dad's brothers have passed away. All four of my mom's brothers have passed away. Neither of them had any sisters. My 3-year old great nephew died in a house fire. My nephew committed suicide. Various cousins and friends. Then, my beloved grandma passed away. Two years later, my mom. My once huge family has now been reduced to a handful.
As I look to 2008 and think of the things I want for my life I keep bumping into the same roadblock. For me to deal with all of the loss, the nasty ass divorce I went through, the pain and loneliness, I have shut large parts of myself off. Any one who was in my heart up until the time my mom died is good. No one has came close since. I think that is why I clung to kindred spirit so much. But, I still haven't caved on that one and every day that goes by makes it that much easier. I'm afraid it is going to be easier to get someone out of my heart than it will be to let someone in. In order to start a new relationship, even a friendship, I will need to do that. But, how do I do it without all the pain flooding back in? Where do I start? I don't think I would be able to handle it. These are my questions for 2008. My issues to work through. I'm afraid this safe little box I have made for myself is where I will stay.
I hope every single one of you has a great New Year!! Stay safe.
Monday, December 31, 2007
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6 comments:
You have heard the saying, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” It is the truth. Yes, it is hard to lose someone you care about, but you have good memories of the times you spent together. That is better than no memories at all. There will always be an ending to a relationship, but it is the “now” that is important. Think of how much happier they are because they knew you. Why deprive someone of the pleasure of knowing you and being a part of your life? Your goal should be to live long and love hard. This will be a good year for you to do that. Happy 2008 and I hope you find the love you need.
The bill is in the mail. Cash only, please.
Even though we know that death is a part of life, the loss of a loved one is very painful.
Grieving is a process. For some that period is longer than it is for others. Even when we are expecting the death of a loved one, the pain of loss is just as strong as that for sudden, unexpected loss.
The wonderful thing about the sad part is that it gets replaced with happy memories. I know that when I pass, I will enjoy a happy and joyous reunion with those I still love. The time between makes it all the more special.
Losing my maternal grandfather while I was a teenager was a heavy experience, and my first sad loss. Yet, my parents' passing was even more painful because the grieving was so lengthy.
Looking forward to the dawning of new days, and opportunities to make new friends and acquaintances, is extremely fulfilling. And of those we also lose, we know that a grand reunion is ours to enjoy later.
So gather up all the nice people that you can. There will come a time that you will be thrilled that you did.
Happy New Year!
coffeypot - I would not trade one moment I shared with any of them. Even knowing the pain their loss would incur. I am a better person for having known and loved each one of them. It's just this hesitancy that I have developed. I never realized it was happening until now.
I didn't realize the "cash only" policy! Your check is in the mail!
brother dave - The process of grieving. I have found not only is the grieving period different for some people, for me the grieving period has been different for each indivual I have lost. My father died 20 years ago, but with my mom's passing it seems to have brought his death to me anew. They are my most difficult ones to try to get through. I never dreamed I would be 40 and not have my parents still.
I find myself knowing more people in heaven these days than I do here. It is a weird feeling and one I am trying to get used to. But, yes, the homecoming I will one day have is going to be awesome! :)
Darkness, I hope your 2008 brings you many good experiences and memories :)
I also hope that you find someone to open up to. Sometimes, I think, it just takes the right type of person. A special friend that sees things the way you do, and is able to open your heart up.
I know special people dont come knocking at your door every day, but hopefully when someone passes by you take notice. That, is a start :)
I agree with coffeypot, and I went through some similar things to what you have experienced.
I learned you can't shut the world out. Being lonely isn't any better than the risk of being hurt at the loss.
There is no advice to cope, because everyone's experience will be different and effect one's personlaity accordingly. I think I am stronger for what has happened in my past - not that it was a good thing, but because my dad died when I was an infant and my mother died before I could drive - made me dependant on myself.
Those postings before me all are wise - grieving, remembering, and focusing on the future. Remember the good times and create better times for those around so you can leave your own legacy. 2008 will be a great year for you. NLM
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