November 4, 2007

For my 10Th birthday I received one of the best presents in the world. As I have said before, I am the youngest of six children. There is a 14 year age gap between the oldest and I. I became an aunt when I was 6 and by the time I was 10 I was an aunt to 2 lovely nieces. My first nephew came on my 10Th birthday! That, of course, made him the most special. I have always been close with all 15 of my nieces and nephews but he holds a special place in my heart. Every year on our birthday he calls me and wishes me a happy birthday and I laugh and wish him one. Some we have spent together and some we have been a part, but always he calls. I have always been the go to person for all of them. I am close in age to a lot of them and that has always been to my advantage. It has allowed me to not only be an aunt to them, but a close friend and confidant as well. My birthday is in a few weeks and this year, as the past 2 years, it will be bittersweet for me. You see, 3 years ago come December, my first and specialist nephew took his own life. He was 30. He had so many things that had gone wrong in his short life. So many small things but when added together they seemed insurmountable to him. The night before he had came and visited me and we had talked. Nothing out of the ordinary, we did this at least once a week. He was depressed. He had been for a couple of years. Nothing terrible to throw up warning flags, just talked about regrets and wishes and what to do first to turn things back around. He said he didn't know why he was here because it seemed like all he did was fuck up and hurt people. I told him God had a reason and purpose for everyone and even if there was hurt, the love and happiness he brought far outweighed it. He had always been a bright shining presence. He lit up a room with his smile and his jokes and pranks. He was one of those people who you were always aware of when they were around. The next day he called me at work. I was busy so I didn't have a chance to talk to him. That night I was at home and his brother called me - not their mom nor their dad, but me - the sheriff was at his door and said they found my nephew's truck with him inside. He had shot himself in the head. "Is he OK? What hospital are they taking him to. I'll meet you there. Had he been hunting today? Is that why he had a gun with him? He knows how to use a gun I don't understand how something like this could happen. Just tell me the name of the hospital so I can leave." On and on I rambled, but I wasn't getting it. He had killed himself. My poor other nephew was trying his best to get me to understand.

I left after about 10 minutes and went to my mom's to tell her. I really didn't talk about it much. I still don't. There are so many emotions associated with such a tragedy. It is hard and takes a lot of time to sort them all out. The how could he get to that point when there are so many people who loved and wanted to help him. The why couldn't he just talk to me about it and let me try. The sad sad fact that he actually believed I would be better off without him in my life. I could go on and on. He left a note but it was in his truck with him and I could not and probably will not ever be able to stomach seeing it. I don't need to read it nor do I need to know what all it said. I know he loved me best. I know he never meant to hurt me. I felt kinda bad at his funeral because everyone was saying "Where is Darkness? How is Darkness handling all of it? They were so close." So, now I am the one who tells him happy birthday. I go to the cemetery every year and sit and talk to him. I go through all of what happened leading up to that point, the things I said, the things I didn't say, the hurt and anger and sadness I go through. That is how I spend my birthdays. It is how I want to. Talking to him. Just like always. He can't call me any more so I go to him.

Kindred spirit was here when I got the call. At this point in time we were still just really good friends. Had been for a couple of years. He helped me make sense of what was happening. Make sense of what my nephew was trying to tell me on the phone. He checked on me daily. Like I said, I don't usually talk about it and I really didn't talk to him much. He knew I was angry, that I was sad, that I was trying to imagine how it could feel to think the ones you loved and loved you would be better off without you. There was a piece of my heart gone that can never be replaced. But I didn't go beyond that. This is probably the one thing - other than my mom's death which occurred a year later - that I haven't gone in to detail with him about. Some things are just too raw and too private to say out loud to someone. Even kindred spirit. My birthday isn't for 16 more days and I usually don't go here until then. It is the one day I allow myself. Unfortunately, recent events has made it come too soon.

Kindred spirit called me about 5 weeks ago. He has pretty much left me alone as I asked him to. He said he values our friendship and me and doesn't want to hurt me. He said he would do whatever I ask him and hopes that will show me how much he loves me and respects my wishes. He still hopes that I will get to the point where one day we can be friends again. He needed to talk and turned to me because, honestly, and I am not trying to sound whoa is me, but there is not much a person could go through that I haven't already been through. He tells me his wife's mom had finally decided to leave her husband. She has talked about it and him for years and we all kinda knew it was coming. He went to their house along with her 2 brothers and moved his mother-in-laws stuff out. Hell, I guess they all but cleaned the house out. He gets a call from his father-in-laws brother a couple of days later and he asks kindred spirit to go check on him. It seems his father-in-law - who is actually his wife's step father - is suicidal. Kindred spirit and his wife go over there and are met with a life size suicide note written on the wall. The poor man is sitting there, in the one chair they had left him, holding a picture of his wife. He had taken a bottle of Tylenol PM and washed it down with a bottle of Jack. That was a couple days before this and he wasn't sure why it hadn't killed him but he wished it had. He then proceeded to tell them some of what had been going on. It seems the mother-in-law never told him she was leaving. Quite the opposite. She had called him and told him she wanted to talk and maybe get counseling and asked him what time he would be home. He told her only to come home that night to an empty house. There are other things that had happened that kindred spirit had found out in this talk with this man. He learned you only know what people want you to know and nothing more. He learned some people were accomplished liars and had a way of making you think they were victims. He was totally pissed and feeling guilty for his part in the whole thing. I guess her mom wanted more stuff out of the house and he told them both he wouldn't have any more part in it. I tried to explain his mother-in-laws point of view. I am divorced and it is not an easy thing. But he was having none of it. It was the way she had went about it, lying to him as well as her husband. He kept asking me if I had been married to someone for 17 years wouldn't I at least have the decency to tell them I was leaving? Telling my ex that I was filing for divorce was one of the hardest thing I have ever done, but I wouldn't have dreamt of just doing it and not saying anything. So, he had me there. He wanted to vent, to talk about his feelings, and he couldn't do that with his wife. He couldn't tell her that he was sickened by what she and her mom had told him all this time. Or that his opinion of her mom had changed. You don't tell your bride of only 2 months those things. You might not feel that way forever. He just needed to get it out there. We talked for over an hour about the situation. It is all we talked about. No us, no love, no nothing but that situation. This past Friday, 2 days ago, the poor man hung himself. His brother found him dead.

I haven't talked to kindred spirit yet. I can't tell you how bad I want to. I am an emotional mess. It has been a long road these last couple of months. It seems like they have taken years to pass by. I just take it one day at a time and try my best not to give in to the feelings I have. So far I have managed to be successful. I would like to think that I am getting over him, but I'm not going to kid myself. I still love and want him just as much. This new situation is making it too hard. I feel like I have to talk to him. I want to call him. I want to see him. I know what he is going through. I have been there. Plus, he will spend all his time taking care of others. His wife demands attention daily. It is always about her. Now, with this situation, she will not be able to breathe without him there to help her. I am not exaggerating. Her mother is the same. She learned it from her. Always the dramatic victim, even when there is no drama. He will spend his time listening and taking care of them. But who will listen to and take care of him? He won't ask for it. He will just do what is expected. He always has. As much as he likes being the hero, he does get tired some times. He just needs to be taken care of sometimes. That's where I have always came in. Plus, the whole thing scares me. I have told you she is unstable. Seriously needing help unstable. She is her mother's child. We have all watched her suck the life out of her husband, and now kindred spirit is married to her daughter and we have watched him change and be drained for almost 2 years. Is this going to be him in a few more years? So many things go through my mind. I want to see him and talk to him. I need to make sure he is OK. I need to tell him it will all be OK. But, I know I am not ready to see him. I will forget all of the last couple of months and just get lost in him if I see him. I know I will. This whole situation is too much for me. It brings up too many emotions. Emotions with my nephew and kindred spirit. I don't know what I will do. I'm afraid I will call him and see him. It's what I want more than anything right now.