August 18, 2007

I struggled all day yesterday trying to make a decision. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a strong person and do what I knew was right. For me. Unfortunately, he has a way of making my resolutions go right out the window. So, basically, I had made a decision knowing there was room for negotiation. I hate hurting people. Even if it is just a hurt feeling that will go away in no time, it just seems like the wrong thing to do. I try not to. Last night, though, I was in self-preservation mode. If you think about it, asking to spend time with me the night before the wedding is not fair. It's bullshit actually. I realize I have been one of those people I had always detested, but that was asking alot from me I think. I have to be able to live with myself. On the one hand, the perfect goodbye. . . On the other hand, it's just sick! So, I decided I wasn't going to see him. I would talk to him on the phone when he called and try not to let him talk me in to going over there. There were many things I wanted to say to him. This would be the last time I could talk to him as "us". Everything will change, for me anyway, after the wedding. It was a very busy night around my house. Things going on with my kids and family. By the time I got my shower, settled in for the evening, and started wondering when he was going to call, it was after midnight. When I looked at the clock and noticed the time, it hit me right away. . . this isn't the night before the wedding any longer, this is his wedding day! No way was I going to spend time with him only hours before he married someone else. This made things much much easier. As much as I love this man, and believe me it is beyond my expression, there was not a chance in hell I was going to be with him on his wedding day. Once again, I went over what I wanted to say. I adjusted part of the conversation to deal with this new development and my now non-negotiable plans. I felt better because I was in control of myself now. I knew nothing he said could make me cave. I had been thinking about it all week. What I wanted and needed to say to him. I realized I had been unconsciously preparing myself for this exact night for the past year. I have known it was coming and I have been dreading it. We have purposely avoided talking about it because we both knew this night would come. Tonight. A time when it could not and would not be avoided any more. There were so many thoughts and feelings rushing around inside me. I was shaking just thinking about it. It was pretty overwhelming. I felt about half sick. When I woke up this morning my first thought was "I can't believe this." You see, I had fallen asleep waiting for him to call. He never did. I told you he is the master of avoidance. Once again he took control of what I was going to do and what I was going to say completely away from me. It's as if he has this sixth sense. Like he knows exactly when I am ready to just snap and say fuck it all. I never get to talk to him at these times. He will wait. And wait. And wait. Until I am missing him terribly. Then he will call. Apologize first thing about how he hasn't been able to call. He will make it a fast and funny conversation. Blowing back in like the wind. Always short and sweet with promises of a longer one in a few days. Then he will call again. By this time, I have gone through every emotion possible and am glad that I can just talk to him finally. And so it begins again....always....

As I write this, he is standing in a church with her, in front of friends and family, vowing to always love, honor, cherish, be faithful, and never leave. I am sitting here feeling this unbearable pain in my heart. . .