August 15, 2007

I love to draw. I always have. We first learned I had the ability in the first grade. My homework assignment was to draw our state bird. So I sat down with a picture and drew a cardinal. You could actually tell what it was when I was finished! My parents, of course, made me feel like I had just painted the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel. I drew from then on. From Elementary School through High School I took all the Art classes I could. Until my Junior year. I believe I received an incomplete that year. Boys, partying, and all the typical High School things took over that year! I still had a sketch pad and pencils around. For years they were a part of me. For some reason, after I got married, I quit. I've thought about it on and off through the years, watching my children grow, seeing a beautiful sun set, the look in a stranger's eyes, and I think to myself how awesome it would be if I still drew. While we were packing up the things in Mom's attic I found my portfolio and a couple canvases on which I had started some oil paintings. I threw out the half finished paintings and brought the portfolio home. Eventually the kids talked me in to going through it. We spent over an hour looking at the filled pages in sketch book after sketch book. The chalk drawings, the charcoals, the pen and ink. All of it. I had done a pen and ink drawing with a watercolor wash for my Mom which she had hung in her house for years, so my kids knew i could draw. They had just never seen anything besides that one before. I packed everything back in its place and put it away in my attic. But it started me thinking again. At the beginning of this year I went out and bought some new supplies. There have been so many things going through my head and it would be very therapeutic for me to get them out on paper. But could I still do it? I haven't even attempted to draw anything in at least 20 years! For some reason this has become a big deal to me now. I should have just opened up the pad and started moving a pencil around on it. But no, that would be too easy for me! So, instead, I have sat and stared at it for 7 months now, wondering, can I still do it? Will people freak when they see what's been going on in my head? The images I have? The darkness and the anger that has been just below the surface for more than a year now? I decided I am going to take a class at the local community college. I am sure I have forgotten more than I remember. I signed up for the Drawing I class tonight. I figure why not start at the beginning and see what's there.

On another note, kindred spirit has been calling alot. She's busy with the last minute details for their wedding and he has had much more free time. I feel sorry for him in a way because she had one of her episodes on his grandparents and said some disrespectful shit no one should ever say to an elder. His whole family is now against this marriage. It happened right before they moved in together and he has been at war with his family ever since. His mom has backed off because she is afraid she will never see him once they get married if she didn't. He has always been extremely close with his family. His mom has one sister and her and her sisters children are always at her parents house. Even now, when they are grown, they still meet at the grandparents house weekly. He goes to his mom's house at least 3 times a week to visit her and his sister. Their attitude about the wedding has slowly changed over the past year. I was hoping...well, alot of things, but mainly that they could all work it out. Unfortunately, it has only gotten worse. It is a touchy subject for us, but one which we broach if needed. He has talked about his family and particularly his mom. He hates fighting with her. He has been having nightmares again. Dreams in which bad things happen to his mom and her last thought is always "I wish my son didn't hate me." He has needed to talk. There is one important fact about kindred spirit that I have not mentioned. He is younger than I am. A good 8 years younger. We are at different stages in our lives. He has never been married and wants children. I am divorced and have the only 2 children I am going to have. I have never talked about our age difference because the only time it comes up is in talking about where we are at now and what we want in the future. It should help explain why things would never work out for us. Why we find ourselves in the position we are in. Anyway, he understands that I have a line that I absolutely will not cross. He says he will respect that. But, he wants to still keep in touch. Can he still call and catch up with me? Can we still be friends? Still turn to each other? I told him I wasn't sure about it and we would just have to see. I feel that if I still "keep in touch" with him it will just make things harder. For me. The saying goes from friends to lovers to strangers, not from friends to lovers to friends again. If, and that is a huge if, I decide to try to remain friends, the rules are changing. I will not keep it a secret. Mutual friend and everyone else who asks will know we talk. It will have to be a "normal" friendship. I just don't see that happening. I will deal with that when it comes up, for now, I have a more pressing decision to make. He asked if I would see him Friday night. It is the night before the wedding so he will be alone and it will be our last chance to be together and say goodbye. I seriously don't know if it will help or just make it hurt more.