August 10, 2007

God! Life sucks so bad sometimes. It had been a couple weeks since I last spent time or talked to kindred spirit. A long, long 2 weeks for me. He gets married next weekend. So much has been going through my mind. I have been an emotional roller coaster that never stops. He had some free time tonight and called. To catch you up .....they have moved into their new apartment. About six weeks ago. He no longer lives less than 10 minutes away. Plus, she is always there now. Her brother and his girlfriend live there too. So the time spent with him has been less than it was before the move. He's managed to call and also to see me a few times. A couple of weeks ago, when we were together, it was very emotional. He called first and asked could I meet him. I said yes. He then asked me did I love him. As I said in my previous posts, we haven't said those words since the fight last August. I told him yes I did and he asked me to say it. I was like what? Honestly I was a little confused. Of course I love him. Why else would I even remotely be doing what I am with him. He said he wanted to hear me say the words, so I told him I love you. He told me he loved me too. Asked if I missed him. I said yes, and he said he missed me too. The conversation went on like that for about 10 minutes and then we got off the phone and met. As I walked up to him he just grabbed me and started kissing me. The time we had, which was only about an hour and a half, was spent kissing, touching, looking in to each others eyes, and saying all the things we haven't said in a long long time. It was a very special night. I love being with him. It is so different than anyone I have ever been with. Since we started our relationship back up last October though, we have used our bodies and our eyes and touch, etc. to express the things we didn't dare say anymore. Until this time. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love this man. It took me a few days to come back down to earth after that night. Once I did though I realized his wedding was in 3 weeks. So, for the last 2 weeks I have been thinking about what that means. As bad as I hate it, marriage means alot to me.

I know that I love him. Alot. I really am in love with him. I honestly just want him to be happy. I want his marriage to work and them both to change and have a good life. I am fine with only talking to him every once in a while and catching up. I really am. I don't have to be with him if he can make a commitment and be the right kind of husband. Cheating while he has a girlfriend is one thing, but once he's married I can't do that. I feel like the marriage is a bomb waiting to explode and I don't want to be a part of the fireworks. I don't want to be a reason it doesn't work. I can't be a part of that. I owe him that. That's how much I love him. I want to be with him more than words can say, but I can't do it knowing it will take away from him. And that's what it would do. Whether he realizes it or not. It makes me cry every time I think about it because I want to be a part of him. More than anyone. It is the part of my life I like the most, the part I look forward to daily. It is so freeing, and raw, and just emotion. Honestly, I think he loves me just as much and in a better way than he loves her. We are honest with each other to a fault. We fight sometimes, but we always know where the other stands. It's not a normal relationship - we have no rules - so it's easy to be who you really are. He called tonight just to talk. To catch up on things and let me know he thinks about me all the time. I told him I think about him also, and in all honesty, probably too much. I asked him if he realizes he is getting married in a week and has he thought about what effect that is going to have on us. I told him that he is going to stand up there and say his vows and that moves this thing we have to a whole new level. I have been married and I know how hard it is. Even when you are in love with only your partner, even when you go in to it thinking "this is forever." Even when you try everything in your power to keep it together. It changes things. It changes the whole dynamics of the relationship. The two little words.."I do." I can't explain it. If you've never been married you will not understand what I am talking about. But, anyone who tells you love is all it takes is dead wrong. I can hardly stand cheating with kindred spirit. I have never done it before, nor will I ever allow myself to do it again. It is hard. It hurts. I think I can only stand myself because I use the excuse that I love him, that he is not married, and that situations can always change. Next weekend it is really going to change. So, I told him tonight that I am done. I take marriage seriously and that I take his vows seriously. I just can't do it. He was a little surprised, but he knows me, really knows me, and I think he knew it was coming. I think that is what the last time we were together was all about. Why he wanted to hear me say the words. Over and over. Even though it is going to be one of the hardest things I have done, I think we both will respect me more. His happiness means everything to me and I don't know how else to give it to him. Life seriously sucks! This is the second time I have had to break my own heart. I really really want one last kiss....