July 31, 2007

If I were to go see a professional and tell him/her about my relationships with the men in my life I know exactly how I would be diagnosed. It would be something like..."It seems to me you chose men who you already know are unavailable. If they cannot give you all of themselves then you will not have to open up and give them all of you. It is a defense mechanism. A way to protect your heart. A way to allow yourself to have a relationship yet not get hurt". Sounds good in theory but in reality it is not true. I get hurt. I am hurt.

When things started with boyfriend/boss that may have been the unintentional theory going around in my head. I had just came out of a fifteen year relationship. Five years dating and ten years married. I can honestly tell you I tried everything I could think of to make it work. I fell head over heels in love with my ex-husband. I loved him with all of my heart and I love him to this day. I don't like him much lol but I love him. I was young, unhurt, and totally vulnerable. I gave him all of my heart and myself. I changed myself, my friends, my whole life, to make him happy. I devoted my whole being on making a life with him and keeping him content. When it all blew up in my face I was devastated. I am the one who decided to get divorced. I am the one who saw the lawyer and filed the papers. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. It hurt like nothing else. This was my life. It had been built around my marriage. My husband. All my hopes and dreams and future plans included the two of us. When I signed those papers I destroyed it all. I destroyed myself. I do not regret getting divorced. I needed to do it for my health. For the health of my kids. Looking back I cannot believe I lived that way but I have always resisted change. The divorce was more than a little change. It was a complete transformation of my life. It has been a difficult road but one I would not trade. It took me a year and a half to obtain the divorce. My ex did not want it and fought me until the end. He also stayed in our house the whole time. It was very strenuous on me. It was during this time the tone of my relationship with boyfriend/boss changed. I was scared to death and unsure of myself and my future. He had been a good friend for over ten years by this point. I trusted him. I talked to him about it all. He was always there for me. He was a shoulder to cry on, a caring listener, a helping hand, he gave it all to me. Security, support, love. I came to depend on him. He became my best friend and my lover. And, my secret. As I said in an earlier post, we felt we needed to keep our relationship from everyone for a zillion reasons. Ten years later we are still keeping it a secret. I am sure there are many who suspect, but no one knows for sure. There have been a few times over the years where I wanted it to be public. We have discussed it and quite frankly he is the one who has maintained it should stay the way it is. I'm not sure if it was transference but I fell in love with him. Once again, having learned nothing from my failed marriage, I let him become almost my whole world. I say almost because I have been able to maintain a slight semblance of control over my life. There are some things, especially my kids, that no one will have control over again - ever. It is more like my life is wrapped around him. He controls my time, my finances, tries to control my friends and free time, all by being my boss and my lover. "You shouldn't get to close to this person or that person. What if they start to ask questions about us"? About two years ago he started getting on my nerves. He has started acting like he is the only person I should ever want to be with or talk to. He asks my kids questions about what we do and who is at my house. He goes through my cell phone. The caller ID on my home phone. He even went so far as to get copies of my cell phone records and go through my computer at home. He was totally losing it and I just wanted him gone. Enter kindred spirit. We had been friends for a couple years by this time. Things just developed. Boyfriend/boss found a few pictures of him on my cell phone and went crazy. Literally. They were nothing sexual or anything like that. Just a few head shots. Him making silly faces or wearing a silly hat or a Rudolph nose. Just silly things like that. Why do I have them on my cell phone? Why couldn't I just look at them and get rid of them? Why is he so important to me that I have to talk to him and keep pictures? I am not kidding when I said boyfriend/boss went crazy. He yelled, he cried, he yelled again. He held my cell phone out to me and demanded I erase the pictures. It went on for hours and hours. I was seriously starting to question his sanity by the time he left. He called me about an hour later and told me something completely disturbing. Even though I had erased the pictures he wanted me to remember - always - how important they were to me. So, he had taken his knife, heated it up, and branded himself on his bicep. Four times. One for each picture I had. I am not kidding. To this day he has four scars, just one line after the other across his bicep to remind me. My life became scary to me. One night, while talking to kindred spirit on the phone, I broke down and told him all about boyfriend/boss. That's when I started talking to kindred spirit more and more. You know the rest of the story with kindred spirit. If not then read the older posts!

I find myself in this relationship with boyfriend/boss that I do not want. Do not get me wrong. I love him. He is still one of my best friends. He loves me and would do anything for me and I depend on him for so much. I don't understand why he feels he must control me and my life. I am not his wife. It has been his decision to keep it this way. Needless to say, the whole dynamics of our relationship have changed over the past two years. The more controlling he has become the more he has decided that he loves me. It is a sick game. One I am sick of playing. He wants ALL of me. Yet he doesn't give me all of him. Quite honestly, I don't want it anymore. Yet, here I am daily, playing along. I have tried to end it. I really have. The past two years have been really rough. He knows and feels that things are different with me. This just makes him try to control me more. We have literally ended it a couple times. It only lasts for a few days though because we must see and deal with each other constantly at work or because of work. Having a history with someone is a hard thing to overcome.