April 8, 2007

I am on the verge of something big. Change. Very big deal for me. I don't like change. I resist it with all that I am. I have felt this on and off for the past 2 years. There are so many things that happen in life that you just cannot control. They occur every day. My life, the parts I can control, I choose to keep the same. I find something that works and I stick with it. Never mind that it worked extremely well years ago when I first discovered it and circumstances or my environment have changed since. I fight change. Always have. Not to say that I am not capable of adapting. I have adapted to more over the past 10 years than a person should have to. Those were things beyond my control. Death, birth, divorce, loss of income, etc. This began as a nudge. Like the universe was telling me I needed to take a look at my life. I did this and slid back in to my comfortable routine. That's when the push came. Like my effort from before was not enough. I need to really look at myself. Once again, I did and just crawled right back where I had been. So what if I was wasting myself and my inner talents and strengths. I liked the comfort and security that my routine brought me. I don't want to change the familiar. This time, however, I have been shoved. Out of my comfort zone. My inner work won't stay inside. Instead of feeling safe and secure with my daily routine, this voice inside keeps saying "what if." I try to push it back down but lately it isn't having any of that. It just keeps talking. Making me wonder. So I have decided it is time for the little voice and I to come to an understanding. I will venture out of my comfort zone and go for it. All of it. The big change. That little voice better be there through this whole adventure, cheering me on, or else I will hunt it down and silence it once and for all.