April 21, 2007

The ending of the background story....I promise!

One very emotional week later I was talking to mutual friend online. He says he has to tell me something but for me not to freak out. Kindred spirit and girlfriend/fiancee had been in a car accident. She had tried to turn left in front of an oncoming truck and didn't make it. They were OK. They both had injuries but nothing serious. As I was trying to get details about what all had happened kindred spirit calls me. He knew I would hear about it and he wanted to assure me that he was fine. He told me the details and we spoke for a while. That night made me think. This was a man whose life I valued. Forget the stupid things that had been going on. This was a man who I had history with. A great friendship and an unexplainable love. I emailed him that night and told him I was thankful they were OK and that it was going to be hard not to talk to him. I told him I hadn't expected it to be this hard nor to miss him this much. He emailed me back and said he thought it was best to just let things and people calm down for a while and until that time for me to take care of myself.

Over the next two months I found myself constantly thinking back. Trying to figure out exactly what had happened and what kind of relationship we really had. I had went from a long courtship/marriage straight into a relationship with boyfriend/boss. They were easy, nothing I had to think about. This was different. I started remembering little things. One conversation where I realized I was being kinda possessive so I apologized. This was before Mom got sick. I told him that I was sorry and I thought I was starting to care a little too much. I said I knew it was breaking the rules and he asked what I was talking about. I told him I knew going in to this that he was in love with his g/f and things were not supposed to be that way with us. He told me I had it all wrong. That confused me so I just changed the subject. Or we would go back and forth all the time teasing who loved who more. I was sure it was me because I was sure he was in love with her. Little things, like going to work out with me when he had already worked out and just being there while I did my work out. In the middle of it reaching up, with a gentle smile on his lips, to tuck my bra strap back under my shirt. The way he would hug me when Mom first got sick and tell me it would all be OK - he would make sure of it. Or a couple months before that when my kids left the country for the first time with their dad. I was worried and scared. I was standing at the airport crying at 6am after being up all night. I called him and woke him up. He talked to me on the short drive back home. He told me to picture him standing behind me, with his arms around me. He would be whispering in my ear and letting me know they would be OK. He told me the things he would say and that I needed to hear at that moment. When I got home I finally went to bed, still on the phone with him. He relaxed me so I could fall asleep. He told me to picture myself laying in his arms. He would be holding me tight and rubbing my head and hair until I fell asleep. He said he would watch over me while I slept, still holding me, and place soft kisses all over my face. It was random moments such as these I thought about for 2 months.

Odd questions started coming to me. Had we went into this "thing" from different points of view? After all I had been in a relationship for years and looked at it as cheating. He had just been starting out in a new relationship. Was it possible that he had started falling in love with me too while I was trying so desperately not to fall in love with him? What exactly did he mean to me? What exactly did I mean to him? Had I missed the obvious? Confusion and nostalgia abounded. I was a mess. Unfortunately I was also remembering the things I had said that were just plain mean. I felt bad. I am normally not like that. I cannot stand rudeness. I do not think there is ever an occasion where it is beneficial. I gave in and after 2 months I called him. I told him there was something I needed to tell him. I went to his house and I apologized. I told him I didn't want to get in to the whole "situation" again. I had just been thinking and wanted to let him know that he was right - not about everything. I had been going through one of the most difficult times in my life and I really couldn't remember a lot of what was said or happened, but I knew I had been wrong in the majority of it. I blamed it on feeling out of control. He said he understood and that it was fine. He said he wanted to let me know that girlfriend/fiancee was not a bitch nor did she threaten to beat him if he talked to me. It just "disappointed" her. I told him I really wasn't going to get in to all of that. We started catching up and before I knew it I had been there an hour. I told him I had to go and hugged him. He lifted me up when we hugged and told me it was so good to talk to me again. I got in my car and as I was driving away I felt as if this huge weight had been lifted. I could do this. We may not be talking or hanging out anymore but we were not enemies nor were there any hard feelings.

That very same night he IM'd me. I was away from my computer but did not have my away message up. When I came back to it here is what I found. "Hey!" "I know we aren't supposed to be talking." "I just wanted to thank you again for coming by today." "It really meant alot to me." "I just wanted to tell you that." "Bye." I was upset that I had missed him, but at the same time I was glad. I didn't want to go back there again. One week later I received another IM. This time I was at my computer. Once again it started with "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but..." We talked. For hours and hours and hours. Just like before. About everything with the exception of girlfriend/fiancee. Four days later he IM'd me again. Once again it was "I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but..." After a couple of hours of IM's he asked if he could just call. I said sure and somewhere in the phone conversation he brought up the idea how great it would be to hang out. Did I think we should? How about now? It was around 2am but me and my mindless self decided that it was an excellent idea. I went to his house and, yes you guessed it, we had sex for the second time. I have no excuse. I allowed my heart to take over and just went with it. It was, once again, awesome! Of course the I don't know why it happened and we cannot do it again followed. So we talked instead. It started as just once a week but soon became two, three, even four times a week. It always started on the computer and ended up with him calling. Never did I initiate the contact. Never did I ignore it either. A little over four weeks after the first time he asked me to come over again. I did. This time I knew what would happen. I went anyway. So it started. We talked a few times a week and saw each other a couple times a week. We did not talk about girlfriend/fiancee or the upcoming marriage. The pet names started again but not the I love yous. I love your eyes, lips, hair, etc. Not I love you. All was well as long as I didn't think about what I was doing too much.

She figured out the password to his new screen name. It took her a few months but she finally did it. Once again, she found a picture he had saved. From me. Of me. She called him and went off. He yelled back and hung up on her. He called me. He apologized for what had happened and was trying to figure out how to get out of it. He hated to ask but would it be OK if he just told her I sent it to him out of the blue and he had no idea why? Could he then call me with her there and ask me about it? He knew it was a lot to ask and how bad he had screwed up but he was desperate. All I could think of was how he felt betrayed by me before and what resulted and I didn't want to go through that again. I told him I would do it. I did. I know! I am supposed to be mature and not be in these situations. Seriously, I am 40 years old! I didn't think about this at the time. Only that I could not stand going through not being with him again. It worked. Once again she believed him and thought I was stalking him! She decided he no longer needed a screen name of his own. He had the password to her account and if he needed online he could just get on her screen name. By this time they were practically living together anyway. So, again, he deleted his account. He no longer has a screen name. I am not able to talk to him online. So, he calls instead. We still talk and see each other. It has been like this for the last 6 months. There have been lulls. If someone inadvertently mentions my name. She has an episode. He lays low for a week. He calls and apologizes and asks me if I am mad at him. If they come in a restaurant we all hang out in. She has an episode. He lays low for a week. He calls and apologizes and asks me if I am mad at him. We go on. Until 6 weeks ago. Kindred spirit has had a circle of male friends that have been with him for years and years. There were six of them and they were tight as friends could be. That was a year and a half ago, before he started dating girlfriend/fiancee. During the last year his circle has been reduced. First, she just couldn't stand this one. She would have an episode if he came to kindred spirits house to hang out. Every time. Things became too difficult if he was around. At the beginning he just didn't go around if she was there. Turned out that wasn't good enough for her. He was finally phased out. Then came the next friend. He was too negative about their relationship for her. She would have an episode after he had been around. It became too hard to deal with her if he was around. He was phased out. Six weeks ago was the final straw for mutual friend. She has been working on getting him out for the last 5 months. Her excuse is she thinks since he is also a friend with me that he is a bridge between kindred spirit and I. He has no clue about the relationship kindred spirit and I have. He does know we have some contact but that is all. I will skip all the details because all that is important is she finally won. Mutual friend is out of the picture. Kindred spirit is now down to 2 good friends and she has already start causing problems with one of those. There was a huge fight between kindred spirit and mutual friend. I found this out the day after the last night I had spent time with him. The fight had taken place before that night but I didn't know about it. Kindred spirit did mention that night that we really needed to talk but we didn't have the time on that particular night. He has not called nor made any attempt at contact with me since then. I am also really good friends with mutual friend. I am horrified at my part in all of this. He assured me that kindred spirit is a big boy and makes his own decisions and it isn't my fault. I still have more guilt than I know what to do with. I am used to him laying low for a week or so, but it has been 6 weeks. Here I am again. I am such a loser. I think about him and miss him. He is getting married in less than 4 months. Granted I don't see how the marriage will last with half of their relationship being based on all the lies and events that have occurred since it began. But seriously, what the hell am I doing?

I couldn't stand it anymore. I am angry, hurt, confused, but mostly appalled. I forgot to mention that she has gotten a job at the same company as him. So, now they work together and practically live together. He has no cell phone, screen name, she answers his home phone, and works with him. I can not talk to him if he does not call me when he has an opportunity to be alone. I called him late Thursday night. It was a bad time. We hung up almost immediately. He called me back yesterday afternoon. He asked if I was OK and if I needed something specific when I called because it sounded to him as if I was crying. How the hell do I answer that? So many things to say flashed through my mind. No I was not OK. I was pissed! Instead of starting with it right off I just assured him I had not been crying. He immediately apologized for not being in contact with me. It seems her brother had also moved in and stays up late with him therefore he is not alone any more late at night. Whatever! Seriously, who cares! He went on to say things had been going OK for him and he hoped they had for me too. He was talking very fast and I knew he thought I was mad and he was afraid of getting caught talking to me. He did a very good job of not letting me talk. He said he had to go but would try harder to stay in touch and that was that. I got to say nothing! His voice was very low and sexy and it grated on my nerves. There is so much I want to say to him. There is so much I need to say to him. I don't have the conversation down just yet. I have played it out many times in my head and it ends a different way every time. All I know is for my sanity, my self respect, my confused heart, I need to end this. I realize I should just let it go. I can't. I have lost so many people unexpectedly that when it is a planned thing I need to say my piece. I need closure. Or else it is left hanging and you have seen how well I have done in the past with him in that situation.