April 12, 2007

I am in the process of ending 2 very important relationships. First, I am ending things with my boyfriend. We have been in a relationship for years and years and years. There are numerous circumstances as to why it has never went beyond what it is. Only a few people know it exists. He is my boss for one, and a close friend of my ex. Circumstances have never seemed right to come out in the open with it. I started resenting this fact about 2 years ago. Actually, now that I think back, I started ending this 2 years ago. It is really hard for me because I do love him. I am not head over heels in love with him anymore. I think I have stayed with him more out of security and friendship. He really is one of my best friends. We depend on each other. This is very tricky. He is my boss and my friend and how do I end one aspect of the relationship but not the others? This has been my dilemma for 2 years now. I always wimp out. He doesn't want the physical and emotional part to end. I do. Every time I try he wants to fire me after 18+ years of working for him. I think this is unfair. We are not children. We should be able to have an adult relationship and a working relationship without me having to sleep with him. This time I am holding my ground. I have to do this for myself. I will probably be looking for a new job soon.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the other relationship is even more of a mess. I met a guy about 4 years ago. He was an ex of one of my friends. We started talking and formed a friendship. A close friendship. We are kindred spirits. A year and a half ago the friendship became more. It just happened and we both agreed it shouldn't have and wasn't going to again. But it did. We have been having this on again off again relationship that I cannot begin to define. It is completely out of control and drives me crazy. I have thought about and tried to end this "thing" we started. I just want to go back to being friends. Every time I try I give in. All I have to do is see him. This whole situation sickens me. I cannot believe what I have allowed myself to get in to. I cannot let my heart take over this time. I must stay strong and true to who I really am. I am not that person. This time I am holding my ground. I have to do this for myself. I will probably be minus a good friend soon.